Kirra Sue

Baby Girl

2012-02-11T20:21:00.002-06:00

Well Baby.
Guess what.
You are a GIRL.

Yup.

The cutest girl I think I've ever seen in my entire life.

I kept telling Daddy I was so nervous to find out, that I felt like I was going to throw up.
I don't know why I was so nervous.
I think it was more wedding type nerves than anything else.

Big deal.
This finding out what you are.

And here you are.
A sweet, tiny, precious, baby girl.
I really honestly can still not believe it.

When the ultrasound technician told us we both started screaming, "NO WAY!!!!!"
I think I asked her 4,000 times if she was sure.
I'm sure she loved that.

And your Daddy said, "Babe, we broke the Sutton curse!!!!!!"
You are the FIRST baby girl Sutton in a super duper long time.

Look at you.
Being all special already.

I cried a ton.
And yelled a ton.
Happy yells.
And we saw you wiggle alllllllll over the place. You even waved to us & I think I almost died of happiness.

I'm not even kidding.

Your little head is so perfect & your tiny belly & little legs- OHMYGOODNESSILOVEYOUSOMUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean really.
I cannot believe how much I love you.

We have it all on video & I can't wait till you're older so you can see it.

You know what the coolest part was, Baby?
We got to see your little heart beating in your tiny chest.
It was the closest thing to a real miracle that I have ever seen.

I love you so much. So much it hurts.

After it was all done the ultrasound technician said we were the most excited parents she's met. :)

We had pink cupcakes to celebrate at Sweet Mandy B's (a special place for Daddy & I- we will probably take you here a lot), and then we bought you a pink little dress & bow. I wanted to buy you this super soft pink blankie but it was a $100.00 & Daddy said he needs to pay for your college. You'll get to know us real well, real soon.

I adore you.
Mommy

17 Weeks

2012-02-10T10:00:00.016-06:00

Dear Baby,

You are 17 weeks old today. I am a little amazed at that. And I finally feel like I can maybe start writing you love notes. I know we still have a long way to go...but you deserve some love notes from mommy. Big time.

I'm amazed that I don't feel like puking everyday. Yay us! Way to go, baby. Mommy needed a break. It only took us till 16 weeks, but we made it.

I'm in love with the fact that when I'm sitting, I can still "see you." Like last night. I was on the phone with your daddy, sitting in bed, and I looked down & just smiled. Cause there you were. Your home is getting all types of big & I really, really adore it. I hope you're happy in there. I feel like you have to be squished- but maybe not? I wish one day you'd be able to tell me what it's like in there, if you could hear my voice, and if me rubbing my tummy all day awkwardly, actually made you feel loved. Cause I'm pretty sure it just seems super strange to random people- but that's ok.

Your room currently smells musty & like cats, no matter how many Anthro candles I burn in there- it hasn't gone away. I blame it on the people who used to live above us. Mommy is working real hard on getting rid of the icky smell. Cats are not that great, baby. We're a dog family, okay? Also- I want to buy you a thousand dollar crib & I don't think Daddy's gonna go for it. Just know my intentions were radical & glamorous ok? Ok. Your Grandma's are coming out in a few months & we're going to bedazzle the heck out of your room. It's gonna be great. Another thing- your Grandma's are like the two greatest ladies on earth. Lucky you, baby. Smile for them every time they hold you, ok?

Here's the thing. Tomorrow we're going to hopefully know if you are a son or a daughter. And I feel like I won't be able to sleep even 5 minutes tonight. It's a big deal. Knowing if I'll be teaching you how to be a little lady, or a young man.

Things I'm looking forward to if you are a girl:
Proving the Sutton's only have boys theory wrong. I mean- it's always a 50-50 chance, people!
The fact that you already have like a years worth of amazing clothes just waiting for you.
I already think we have your name if you are a little lady. And I love it.
Knowing that although we may have really rough teenage years (Lord help me)- when you get to be my current age- you will call me all the time. At least I hope. Cause that's what I do with my mommy.
I feel like I will understand you. Most of the time.
Watching Daddy be protective of you, like he is of me. And hearing him say things like, "My girls."
Seeing if you'll love tutus, reading you princess books, teaching you how to twirl, & begging you to play soccer like I did.
I will not be freaked out by your girl parts & therefore will not be freaked out by your diapers.

Things I'm looking forward to if you are a boy:
The adventure. Because let's face it. I have no idea how to mother a boy. So we'll have lots of fun.
Having a little version of Daddy. If you are even kind of like him- I will be the most blessed mommy. And one day- very far from now- a woman will be incredibly blessed to be your wife.
Having you be the firstborn. You know. So you can take that role of protecting & defending any babies that comes next.
I feel like your teenage years will be difficult in a different way- but it may be really good for our family to not have too many girl hormones. I have enough for the state of Texas.
Being the only girl will be special. I'll be able to say things like, "I gotta get home to my boys."
Watching Daddy teach you about things he loves. Like New York, Football, reading, & all things pertaining to cities.
If you are a boy, I have your entire nursery planned out...and I love it.

You know what I've been most excited about lately though?
The fact that I get to tell you about Jesus.
Because there is nothing, and no one, more important or amazing than Him.
I will get to tell you about the Garden, and the Passover.
The Prophets and the Kings.
Israel and the Church.
Mary and John the Baptist.
Paul and Peter.
Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
All of it.
From Genesis to Revelation.
And one day you will have to make up your own mind about it all.
About sin. About Christ. About it all.
And everyday I'm praying for you to be shown grace.
I'm praying Daddy & I would live out what we preach to you everyday.
We will need lots of grace too, because we are by no means perfect & we don't have it all figured out yet either.
But I just cannot wait to share with you the greatest news I've ever been told in my entire life.

Tomorrow will be so special. I'll get to start calling you son or daughter & I can't wait. No matter if you are a boy or a girl, Daddy is taking us out for cupcakes afterwards so we have that to look forward to.

I hope you're safe. Hope you are comfortable. Hope you are growing well.

I love you. To the moon and back. x's infinity.
Mommy

A Perfect Morning

2012-02-07T16:05:00.003-06:00

My kind of perfect morning involves a boston cream donut from Bridgeport Bakery.
A Vanilla Latte from Bridgeport Coffee House.
And my precious husband.

Mix in 2 hours of conversation & no interruptions.
You have a smile on my face that lasts the whole day.

I'd like every Friday morning to look like this.

Major Loves

2012-02-06T10:28:00.001-06:00

I mean.

I adore Switchfoot.

A.d.o.r.e.

Their new album is all I listen to these days.

On repeat.

This song is especially good.

Love that Jon Foreman.

I read these last year.

In like a day.

And then I died when I got to the end and wanted to send lots of angry mail to the author.

She botched the whole last book in my opinion.

Botched with a capital B.

So I picked them up again this year in anticipation of the first movie coming out next month.

And I have no idea why.

Because I'll be just as annoyed & disappointed this time around too.

Ashley, "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeta."

Bahaha.

I love you forever.

Our husband's are so lucky they get to take us on a double date to see this.

We hosted a party for the Super Bowl & I cooked for like 5 straight hours- which is not so smart when you're 4 months pregnant.

But whatever.

I have a new found hunger after 3.5 months of crackers & ginger ale & all of these things sounded so good.

I only got pictures of the first two dishes I made because the last 3 were kinda high strung.

Here's the recipes:

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Wraps

Cheesy Italian Sausage Dip

Pepperoni Pizza Puffs

Quinoa Salad with Black Beans, Avocado & Cumin-Lime Dressing

Fruit Salsa with Cinny Chips

If you love food, or yourself at all, you'll make them.

Especially the dip.

Listen.

Make the dip.

Also.

This is my niece.

She's sick.

And learning how to crawl.

And I'm missing it all.

Ask me how bad it bugs me.

But maybe don't.

Because I'm pregnant & I'll just cry.

Let's talk about this.

Let's talk about the fact that it's set in Chicago (Hello, love).

Let's talk about how much I cry just in the trailer.

Every time.

Let's talk about how Ash & I reminded our husband's that they are taking us to see this next week.

Anyone else so excited?

I know it's all the craze.

Everywhere.

For everyone.

But we are addicted to Downton Abbey.

Addicted, I tell you.

If Matthew & Mary don't end up together then I'm going to break something probably.

(I'm watching it on the American schedule not the British one- so no one spoil anything for me, please!)

Also, I love my baby.

A lot.

I'm almost 17 weeks which I cannot believe, and the baby can officially hear our voices according to all these books.

So naturally Taylor & I sing to him/her non-stop.

We picked a song to sing to the baby repeatedly so it'll be fun to see if when they get here it will calm them down.

Who knows if that's true- but it's worth it to see Taylor hunched over my belly singing softly to it.

It's real cute, guys.

Real cute.

Alright.

Peace out folks.

K.Sizzle

What I'll Miss Most

2012-02-02T22:10:00.006-06:00

I've nannied for the same family for going on 3 years.
So to say I love them is kinda an understatement.

Charlotte is getting to that age where she just loves to play with you.
The other day she wasn't happy unless she was laying with me on the couch.
Then she got realllllll happy.
And we both laughed.
And I realized my days watching them are coming to an end.
It made me teary.

May 31st is my last day.
It will be brutal & I will probably eat a pint of ice cream when I get home.
That is if I can manage driving home while crying that hard

I realize these photos are some of the most flattering you've ever seen of me.

I'll be appearing on the next cover of Vogue.

Clearly.

Tonight

2012-01-31T22:04:00.010-06:00

It seems like life as a full time seminary student while working 32 hours a week, on top of serving at our church + all the other life details is finally starting to make it's dent.
Finally starting to really get underneath my skin.

Because here's the thing.
I miss my husband.
I miss him real bad.

I'm sure every Seminary wife can attest to it. Or any couple where one of the spouses is in school.
It's a craaaaaazy season of life.

I look at my husband & watch as he runs from work, to school, back to work, and then to the books & I'm kinda amazed.
Amazed he hasn't snapped at me once.
Amazed he still takes out the trash.
Usually at four in the morning before he leaves for school.
Who does that?!
Bless him.

Amazed he travels 2 hours to school on a train, and 2 hours back & have never heard him once complain about it.
Thankful & amazed he helps with the dishes & the laundry (even though I pester him not to).
Amazed he still manages to be here to hold my hand when I'm sick & get me glass of water, upon glass of water when my back hurts.
Humbled that every time we talk on the phone the first thing out of his mouth is, "How do you feel hon? How is your day?"

I still am trying to wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't have a day off. Not one single day off, week after week.
It's certainly kicking my inner cheerleader into gear.

If my schedule looked like his- the world would be over. Basically. Let's be honest.

I was telling my friend today I don't know how he manages to get by without what seems like any rest- any leisure. I feel like I'm constantly living between leisure points to get me through the grind of it all & here he is- plowing through & getting it done. No complaints. Just hard, hard work.

I know he's tired.
Know he'd love a break.
There's just no time for one it seems.
And that makes me sad for him.

I see the sacrifices he's making everyday for ministry, for our family & I'm really, really humbled by him.

I remember talking to Erin about Seminary life before T started & I was prepared to hear her talk about how hard it was on her- and I remember her so sweetly just saying, "I just felt so bad for him- that he was so busy & had so much to do constantly."

It was a far cry from what I had heard other Seminary wives complain about. "He's never around." "I'm so lonely." "I just can't wait for him to be done so I can- fill in the blank." Not that those aren't real feelings- I just was refreshed to hear a wife thinking more about her husband than herself.

Over halfway in, I'm really thankful for that conversation I had with Erin way back when. It's stuck with me on the nights like tonight where I'm alone. I don't feel bad for myself- I just miss my husband. Just bummed he's so busy for his sake.

This weekend is one of his favorite holidays. The man loves the Super Bowl & asked for it off from work. I can't wait to see him relaxing on the couch, watching football. It will be a happy sight to this wife's eyes.

We're coming up on March. The month that marks how many years we've "officially" been together. I love that man more every single day it seems. It's not like he's perfect. Or I am. But we're good together. Perfect together. I think that's one of the most beautiful things about marriage- you balance one another out.

Are any of you Seminary (or grad school) wives? Past or present? What's been something that's helped you support & love your spouse during their studies/busy schedules?

My Cozy

2012-01-29T19:48:00.011-06:00

It's no secret around here that the weekend is my absolute favorite. Especially during the winter. Something about leaving for work when it's dark & getting home when it's dark all throughout the week...it just is kinda depressing. The weekend is time to be in our home when there's sunlight. And that makes me a super happy girl. It's a time to take care of this little place, by cleaning the floors & laundering & rearranging. A time to cook & bake. Relax & work. A time to be in our own space. Read books as long as we'd like, laugh with friends, and give lots of kisses.

This weekend we were blessed to hear our baby's 15 week old heartbeat & we were blessed to serve alongside our church, open up our home, fill our fridge again, & relax with one another.

We also heard some really sad news this weekend, as well as some stressful news. Matthew 6 was deeply on my mind. It's one of my favorite passages in all of Scripture- probably because my wandering heart is so prone to worry. So prone to forget the depths of God's love for me. But there's something about being reminded of God's care for even the sparrows & the lilies...and then being told that we are far more precious to God.

God has all of the sadness our friends are experiencing, and all of the stress we're feeling, and He's caring for it. Shepherding us all through it. I made a chalkboard this weekend out of another old window pane & placed it in our hallway. On it I wrote, "Of more worth than sparrows & lilies." I see it all throughout the day as I walk by it & I'm so thankful for that reminder.

I'm continuing my list of 1,000 gifts- & I'm reminded yet again what gratefulness does to the heart. It changes it & melts its hardness. If you've never read the book- I cannot recommend it highly enough. Over the years God has graciously taught me through His word just how intertwined joy & sorrow are- and this book is a good reminder of that. I've read this book over & over- picking up in random spots, and continually being convicted & encouraged. It's a keeper.

P.S. Don't judge my sourdough toast you health nuts. My hubby makes it for me when I'm real nauseous & let's just say he spoils me when it comes to the butter. I clearly have no complaints. Over & out.

A Date with Downtown

2012-01-24T21:53:00.004-06:00

Growing up in a shiny suburb I was clueless to the world of urban living. Well, urban anything really. Technically I grew up in LA County, but hello- that meant nothing to me really. My life was not in a city, it was in a nice, trimmed, fancy pants suburb right on the outskirts of LA. And I loved it. For the most part.

After moving to Chicago I quickly learned that living near a city, and living in a city are worlds apart. I think it's why it bugs me so much when people say they live in Chicago & they actually don't- they live in the suburbs. Ohmygosh it makes my hair stand on end.

But I think I get it- you associate with what people will know. So for all intents and purposes- I grew up in LA- not Santa Clarita- when I'm talking to someone I am just meeting & might never talk to again. At least this is what my husband has tried to convince me is proper. I still feel like a complete poser/loser saying I'm "from" LA, so I almost always say LA area. It's a pet peeve of mine for sure.

Why am I rambling about all this?

Because when I moved to Chicago my definition of where the city limits were was where the big buildings were. That's what Chicago was to me. Downtown. I had no concept of the fact that the city was broken up into hundreds of little neighborhoods & that all of these parts were still the same city. It drove my city loving husband batty a bit. He'd take me on a date to Lincoln Park & I'd be itching to get back to the "city." He'd laugh & say, "We're still in the city!!!!"

Going to the suburbs for me always feels like I'm going out of state. I literally am not joking.

After 6 years though I've come to accept that Rogers Park, Roscoe Village, the South Loop, Edgewarter, & all the other neighborhoods, are indeed part of the city. But there's something about downtown that still gets me in a way that no other part of the city gets me. It's probably because that's where I went to school & lived for 5 years- but I think it might just be something a little bit more.

I like living in a neighborhood. There are no sirens or drunk people right outside my window at 3am. I don't get hit by cabbies almost everyday. It's quieter in general & more calm. But there's something romantic about living in a tiny downtown apartment.

I wish everyone could experience it at one point in their life. Because there's nothing as charming or as annoying as it.

Today after work I didn't feel like a walking zombie (which is super rare) so I decided to go on a date.

With Downtown.

How I had missed her.

Perfect winter afternoon- the sun shining so brightly & warmly that I don't need gloves.

Ah.

Chicago Ave.

Home.

I figured while I was out I might as well treat myself to a little date at my favorite sandwich shop on earth.

Potbelly.

And why not.

Why not have a vanilla shake.

I'm in awe that for 5 years I literally lived blocks away from an Anthro.

I went in today for the first time in what felt like forever- & while it made me happy- I realized not a lot has changed.

Still pretty.

Still trendy beyond belief.

Still way too expensive.

Sales staff still way too snobby.

Like that beautiful yellow rug.

I think it should just be absolutely illegal that I can't afford to have that rug.

New store on Michigan Ave.

I like.

I worked at this Gap & kinda disliked 90% of my time there- but I am a Gap girl when it comes to clothing- so I still go. I got a cute striped maternity shirt for $3.00. Yes. Take that Anthro. You're freaking ridiculous.

Mmm.

Love.

When I moved here I also quickly learned that there's nothing more special in the city than watching what happens to the buildings right before the sun goes down. Dusk is my absolute favorite time to be outside in the city. The sky is a dusty pink & creamy blue, set off by all the soft blues & whites coming from the lights in the buildings. It makes me super, super giddy.

As do subway performers. Usually at the Grand stop there is a little Asian man that plays Amazing Grace on his violin & I cry every single time. It breaks my heart in a thousand different ways watching him. Today there were these 3 folk guys. I'm pretty sure I was one of the only people impressed by them- but whatev.

I miss living downtown.

The Update

2012-01-13T10:13:00.003-06:00

So I've been meaning & meaning to talk about the whole "Kirra Sue Photography," thing. I mean. Is anyone else wondering why that's the title of this blog? I know. Me too.

Here's how 2011 went. The honest version.

We decided I should take the plunge around August & try to build a website & go for it.

Was anyone here for Lovies? Ok. So there was some fear there. I put a lot of time, work, & effort into Lovies (not too mention thousands of dollars- literally), and it kinda went head first into the ground. I learned a lot. I mean. A TON. And so that made it worth it. Cliche but true. I'm a huge big picture person & I have a loooooot of business ideas- but I learned I don't know a lot about running a profitable business. And I suppose when you start/run a business on your own you kinda have to be semi good at all the aspects of it.

Lesson learned business gurus. Lesson learned.

I mean, to be fair, I graduated from college with a B.A. in Biblical Studies- not business. So I have a learning curve.

I got my website through some places I will not shame publicly (although you can email me & I will tell you never to go with them), and rearranged things here on this blogger blog & tried to go for it. I had some clients this last fall that I didn't know- and mostly some that I did know- but for the most part my website has done not one single thing for me. I haven't gotten one inquiry from a stranger finding my name on the web. Not one. Now I don't know if it was naive to think that I would- but regardless- the website cost a total of $700.00 so I figured it would at least do something for me.

I was expecting word of mouth to catch like fire & that I'd be booking "clients" like all the other photographers I've watched start businesses in the last couple of years.

Let's que the crickets please.

So that whole "word of mouth" didn't do much.
Not much folks.

Now this could be because of a number of reasons.

It could be that I'm still way too amateur for someone to hire.
It could be that this city is already too full of photographers & it's a really tough market.
It could be that people just don't like my work.
It could be that I still have a Rebel (Someone did actually write me to inquire about a wedding & asked about my equipment & when I wrote back that I had a Rebel they never got back to me. Awesome.)
It could be that I've never marketed. Anywhere. Ever.
It could be that it's snowing outside & winter.
It could just not be what God has for me.

Who in the world knows.
Honestly.

Then there were the people that would ask me to shoot for them (after I had launched my website) and I'd show up & they wouldn't pay me. That was confusing. But whatever. I learned my lesson & now I have a fancy pants price sheet typed up to go along with a contract. Yup. I'm all legit without any clients. Boo-ya.

Then I got pregnant & basically was incapable of doing anything other than laying on the couch like a veggie. A very sick veggie.

Then I dropped my camera on a date Taylor & I took Livie on (the picture up top was the last picture my camera ever took) and I cried big huge tears and thought maybe I should just give up altogether.

Then I went home for Christmas and my MIL forced me to take her Rebel home with me while she tried to get her camera store friend to fix my old camera.

Now we're in 2012.

I haven't picked up the camera.

I'm sorting through what it's going to look like to try and get my name out there.
To learn more.
To grow more.
To have fun with it.

Because the thing is- I still really would love for this to work. I don't need to be famous. I don't need to have a thousand followers on my Facebook fan page. Really. I don't need to look like all the other photographers I admire. They are doing their thing. I'd like to do mine.

I want to take beautiful & meaningful photographs because I really truly believe in the magic they possess. I will never fall out of love with pictures that Krysta Manthe took of my husband & I. I will never stop smiling when I look at my wedding photographs that Ray & Kelly Siler took. Never. And I will pass them on to our children & hopefully theirs.

I have black & white photographs around our home of our grandparents & they are some of my most prized possessions. They are my memory keepers.

I adore photography. I adore it because of what it does for the heart. They are so much more than just photographs to me.

I will order more business cards. I will put up some postcards at Moody this Spring to hopefully get some engaged couples. I will figure out the SEO crap for my website. I will get my spreadsheets all in order & pay all my taxes. I will figure out how to get a new website/blog. I will hopefully have a Canon 5D Mark ii in the year 2012 (let me dream please!). I will pray about the business & read books on marketing & exposure. I will work hard. Harder than I did last year.

And I will not place any expectations on my journey with it to look like the next persons.
This is my story & it will move as slowly as it has to. :)

Because I love photography.
I'm inspired by it.
I'm captivated by it.
I'm thankful for it.
It's not just a fad for me.
I mean- maybe the vintage actions will be a fad I leave behind- but photographs- no.

So hang tight.
I know it seems random that my blog is titled Kirra Sue Photography. But hopefully this year it won't be so random.
We'll see.

And guys.
Seriously.
Help me out with that word of mouth thing.
I'm flippin as cheap as they come at this point.

Over & out,
K.Sue

The Bestest

2012-01-11T20:53:00.001-06:00

Over Christmas break my mom got us addicted to crime shows like Law & Order & NCIS.

We don't have TV or Netflix & therefore cannot watch them.

It was really, really bothering me last night as I lay in bed with heart burn waiting for T to get home.

She is the best mom.

Why wasn't I a detective?

Instagram on Steroids

2012-01-10T21:48:00.003-06:00

My husband surprised me with the new iPhone for Christmas.

So clearly Instagram has taken over, well, everything.

California was sweet & short. 8 days is never, ever, ever long enough. We are getting into the less than 2 years away from hopefully moving home stage of life & while we can't see the future- I am praying that California is there. Because it's where my niece is. It's where our families are. The pacific is there. And it's frankly where we belong. The sun shines brighter there folks. It really, really does. That's my little niece, Kaylee, in the top picture. She's the cutest thing you've ever seen, right? I know. Tell me about it.

We came back to cloudy, rainy weather.

And since we've been home I've been either lying on the couch or trying to settle more into our place. We moved twice in 2011 & to be honest- by the time we got to this second place I was all out of homemaking juice. It's finally starting to return & I'm looking forward to the next 7 months of pre-baby decorating. This is T's side of the office. I am getting a lot more comfortable with browns. It seems only fair after he's let me have full reign of the place with all my pinks.

My side of the office. We still have a lot to do in this room but hopefully it'll be finished in the coming month. I threw the map up there to have something there- but it's coming down most likely once I make some Etsy orders.

I put a rug underneath the table in our dining room and everyone keeps telling me it's not practical with kids.

Folks.

It's gonna be a solid year before that's an issue.

I mean.

Let's not jump the gun.

And I killed all the house plants on our porch.

Awesome.

On my MIL's last trip she bought that little desk at Salvation Army for $10.00. It was dark, dark, dark brown & it killed me every time I walked into the kitchen. This last weekend it was in the 50's so I opened all the windows & the back door & painted it white. Put some Anthro knobs on & now I'm a happy camper in our kitchen.

It's the perfect place to keep recipes & food magazines along with my meal plans.

My MIL also got us this corner unit that was a really dingy tan color. I painted it white too.

Now we just need some paint on the walls & to paint our big hutch & I'll be happy in the dining room.

And Martha needs to send me her collection of Jadite.

Not too much to ask, Martha dear.

Not too much to ask.

It's been sunny.

Best gift Chicago can give a girl during the winter.

My husband turned 27! On a Wednesday. Boo for that. I worked 10 hours & he wrote a sermon all day. On my way home I stopped by our favorite pizza place & got him some deep dish.

Listen up tourists. People will tell you every pizza restaurant under the sun is the best deep dish pizza. They are all lying unless they say Pizanos on State St. Trust me. I'm the only one in Chicago telling the truth. And if they say Gino's East, run. Run away as fast as you can.

I know you are thinking my mirror is incredibly dirty.
I promise it's just incredibly old.
I clean it all the time & it looks exactly the same.

My belly bump has kinda gone & disappeared on me.
My pants all of a sudden are back to fitting & while I'm super stoked about that- it was kinda fun having that belly.
I know it'll be back soon enough.
And when it is, it will be more-so because of a bigger baby, not just bloating.

On Sunday after T preached we headed out to celebrate his b.day finally.

I took him to one of his favorite pubs.

Burgers & football.

My man's happy place.

Then we grabbed coffee & headed to a movie.

Sherlock Holmes.

So fun.

Gotta love Jude Law & Robert Downey Jr.

I ate the entire box & kept looking for some that may had dropped in my purse.

None had dropped.

We are obsessed.

Still feeling like my first trimester symptoms are never going to go away.

Most Tuesday afternoons you can find me nestled into the warmest & coziest apartment on the 18th floor at Moody chatting with my best friend, Ashley. We talk for hours & I never want to leave.

Tonight I watched Sound of Music & missed my dad so much it hurt. It is our favorite. It was weird hearing only Julie Andrews sing & not my dad with her. Yes. My macho surfing dad knows every single word to every single song of Sound of Music. He is full of surprises.

So.

Are you on Instagram?

I want to see your pictures.

Over & out.

K. Sizzle

First Trimester

2012-01-06T11:49:00.017-06:00

I promise to not turn the blog into a place where I tell you all about my weird new bodily functions & post 1,000 photos of my growing belly- but I thought I'd do a little recap at the end of my trimesters & maybe a couple posts here & there about this whole pregnancy thing. I am a first time momma I guess and this part is the fun part at least! :) Please forgive the lack of photos & the randomness of this layout. I'm such a bad blogger these days.

Emotionally: Doing well most days. Not super happy go lucky like I had anticipated- but according to all the books- I can blame my hormones for everything. Including that. Nice. I cry at the most random things. The other day I came home from a loooong work day with crying babies & dropped a plate. It shattered & ohmygoodness. You would've thought I had lost my mother. While I was weeping all I could think about is, "Why the heck am I weeping?" Taylor just hugged me for 5 minutes & let me get it all out. I am such a weirdo apparently.

Physically: I had no idea how much would change and how quickly it would all change. Every woman is so different & apparently every pregnancy is so different- but my word. This baby has already changed my tummy, my eyes (RANDOM), my hair, my skin, my nails, and just about all other parts of my body. It's actually pretty amazing. But also kinda overwhelming.

I'm tired, somewhat cranky for no reason, and constantly nauseous. And my back hurts. Already.

Spiritually: I've definitely been more aware of God as creator than ever before. When I read about what's happening with the baby I just kinda re-read it and then sit there. It's absolutely incredible to me how God designed a woman's body. I'm not usually a listen to worship music only kinda gal- but lately it's all I've felt like listening to. Especially Chris Tomlin & Andrew Peterson. Random.

I'm amazed that it happened so quickly. We weren't trying very long to get pregnant, and when I look back on how I handled our miscarriage I feel ashamed. I didn't trust the Lord as I should have. I thought we'd never have a baby. And yet He has been so merciful. I know I didn't earn this pregnancy. God gave it as a gift. A total gift of grace.

I have never been so heartbroken over abortion. And I have never wanted to adopt more than I want to now. The women who have their babies despite how easy it is to kill them in this country....I want to support those women. The women who realize that they are carrying life. From the moment it's conceived. I cannot believe how much of a child it is from the very beginning. We have always wanted to adopt & we are finally beginning the process. It's incredible to think that in the next two years we could have two little ones in our home.

Other tid-bits: I have no idea what we're going to do as far as giving birth. I have friends that have done it both ways & it might be the thing that's stressing me out the most. You know- not all the stress that comes after the baby is here- but getting the baby here. It's what I think about a majority of my day. I'm so curious about the process- so scared of it- and so overwhelmed by it. I like the idea of water birth. That sounds amazing. I hate pain though. But I also hate needles- and from what I hear- the epidural is freaking huge. So I go back & forth- back & forth. The reason it's probably stressing me out is because of my doctor. She's amazing- but probably not the one I want to go to for a natural birth. So we're praying, researching, & looking into what to do. I know birth plans are to be held loosely and you really can't know what it's going to look like- but I just want to know we're in good hands.

Taylor is my hero. I have always known he was an amazing man- but I have never respected, loved & cared for him more. He's going to be an amazing dad.

We find out at the end of February what the sex is & I am dying to know. I cannot wait to start buying stuff.

I think I may already be nesting. Just in my head. And on Pinterest.

We have no idea what we're going to name it. Boy or girl.

I miss goat cheese, sushi, and diet coke.

The end.

The New Year

2012-01-01T22:35:00.007-06:00

Source

My favorite part of the New Year celebrations is the quite time of reflecting on the past year.

There's no greater way to move forward with hope in God than to look back at what He's done. I look at 2011 and I see His fingerprints all over it. As always, He was there. Molding & shaping me. Teaching me more about my sin & more about His grace. Teaching me about mercy & sorrow. Revealing more of Himself to me than the year before. I look at 2011 & I count all the blessings. There were so many more than I deserved.

It's easy to look at a new year & make a long list of all the things you want to accomplish & instantly feel overwhelmed. Or is that just me?! Goals are great. I think they're helpful- especially if you have specific plans for how you want to achieve them. It's good to press into the challenge & to change. There's no benefit in remaining who you've always been. And yet it's overwhelming. Daunting. No one has it all together. Our lists scream of our failures from the past year. Of our vulnerabilities & our dreams for the new year.

But for the Christian there is always this great joy.

This beautiful gift we call the Gospel.

The Gospel will empower the changes desired.

It will cover in mercy the failures.

It will purify & be glorified when the goals are reached.

And by placing the lists we all have underneath the protection & love of the Gospel we see & taste more of God's goodness.

We desire to change for Him & His purposes- not so that we can be more "put together." We aren't discouraged beyond hope when we fail because God's placed Christ's blood before & over us. We don't prove to God we're good enough by reaching our goals. We change because we're walking according to the Spirit, not the flesh. We change because we rely upon God, not ourselves. And when there's little victories we rejoice that God is greater than our sinful & stubborn hearts. We bring Him glory rather than patting ourselves on the back.

I'm excited to see more of God's faithfulness in 2012.

To watch as He continues to make all things new.

To be humbled by His holiness & His majesty.

To be challenged by His people & His Word.

To know Him more.

Wherever you may be, I hope & pray that God would draw near to you. That His mercy & forgiveness would be sweet to the taste. That His Word would pierce your heart & transform you. That this year you would live for Him & His Kingdom. That His promises would comfort you in your afflictions & give you the hope & strength to move forward from whatever you went through this last year. God will meet you exactly where you are at & He will never ever leave you there. What a great God.

Happy New Year!
K.Sue

July 20th, 2012

2011-12-31T11:52:00.002-06:00

We are so looking forward to 2012...

Especially because it's the year we'll meet our sweet little baby.

Baby Sutton is due July 20th 2012!

November 12th 2011 we found out from one of those blessed little sticks that we were indeed pregnant again. Taylor was at work when I found out & I went and surprised him with the news in the Four Seasons lobby. I just couldn't wait a minute to tell him! There were tears, hugs, & kisses. And maybe some more kisses.

The next morning we went out for breakfast to celebrate & couldn't stop smiling.

My nightstand is overflowing with pregnancy books, prenatal vitamins, stretch mark prevention cream (lets hope that stuff works!), ginger ale and crackers. Every time I see all those things I just smile. I'm so thankful to be pregnant.

Our baby already has so many special keepsakes & fun things waiting for him/her. We have boxes & boxes of baby girl clothes given to me by my boss & we have one pair of boy jeans. So you know. We'll have some shopping to do if it's a boy. :) Which everyone thinks it is- other than my mother.

Our trip home to California for Christmas was so special. I've always wanted to be pregnant during Christmas with our families & it was fun to be showing already too (although a tad bit scary that I'm this big at 3 months!). I wanted to make sure I ate In-N-Out while I had my itty baby growing inside me & hopefully our child (boy or girl) will have many Dodgers shirts. To my poor husbands great dismay.

December 13th we heard our little one's heartbeat for the first time at 8 weeks & I literally bawled my eyes out. Poor ultrasound tech lady. I just couldn't help it. We heard our little's heartbeat again yesterday through a doppler at 11 weeks & all is going so well with Baby Sutton thus far.

We couldn't be more thankful, more in awe, or more excited.

I cannot wait to meet our little summer baby!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T11:14:00.003-06:00

Card designed by Katy @ Life Made Lovely Designs

Sophia

2011-12-19T09:20:00.003-06:00

Two years ago this month my Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law bought me my first DSLR, a Canon Rebel XS. I named her Sophia.

Today the camera doctor at Calumet declared she may just be coming to the end of her life. This weekend I tripped & fell while holding her & at first she was working fine- but then yesterday when I went to use her she wasn't working.

The camera doctor said it's a common body error- and that it's probably something with the shutter....since Rebel's aren't made to last much longer than the time I've had her. He said it would cost close to $300.00 probably to fix and it's not guaranteed it would even last much longer afterwards. The camera itself isn't really worth much more than that after all the use & years it's had- so to spend the money to fix it would be a little ridiculous.

I knew there would come a day probably when I would drop it, or it would break. And I'm super grateful that my 20-70mm lens is still in tact at least.

But yea.

I'm a bit heartbroken.

Like big ole tears heartbroken.

I was talking to my mom last night and while crying I said, "I know it's just a camera but..." and she replied, "No honey it's a lot more than that & I know that."

It's what I needed to hear.

My camera has been attached to my hands for the last 3 years on a daily basis. And I feel a little lost not having her. And a little ache in my heart not knowing when I'll be able to afford the camera I'd been saving for.

My MIL is going to let me borrow her Rebel while I'm home for Christmas & I'm so thankful for that- but afterwards it may be quiet here for a bit until I figure out what to do.

Thanks for your patience guys.

Bye Sophia.

I miss you already.

Simplicity

2011-12-17T21:24:00.003-06:00

Source

I love Christmastime. Really, I do. I'm not a scrooge, despite what you may think after reading this.

I love the festivities, the traditions, the celebrations. All of it. There's something special & sacred about taking time out of the year to celebrate with others.

But this year, more than ever, a lot of the stuff that surrounds this time of year has just not been sitting well with me. It's been nagging my conscience & crowding up my heart.

I think it's the bill I just paid to get our Christmas cards printed out at Target- a whopping $75.00 for 50 prints. I about cried as I printed them off. Because that was just the cost of printing them off. It didn't include the envelopes I had to buy, or the template, or the stamps. I spent more money on Christmas cards than I do in a month supporting our Compassion child in India. Something about that really doesn't sit right with me.

And then there's Christmas presents for everyone. Food for the parties. Money for the shows & celebrations. Money for traveling. Money for this, money for that.

And I think it's finally just overwhelming me.

It's all so expensive at the end of the day.

So. much. excess.

And it's not just the money we spend- it's the money we know people are going to spend on us.

We really don't need anything- but every year we make lists like we do.

And I wonder what a simple Christmas would even look like?

What would a simple Holiday season look like?

Where there wasn't the pressure to be Martha Stewart at every turn & be giving the best gifts to people who don't really need one more thing. Every year I have hopes of really making Christ the center focus of Christmas- and every year it seems like He constantly gets crowded out by the rush of it all. By the to-do lists & the decorations & the need to have it all look just right.

I know there's got to be a balance. I'm not saying that to quit all our traditions or stop buying presents for our family members would necessarily be the answer....but there's got to be a way to not be sucked into the materialistic greed of it all. To care more about Christ & what He cares about- than what the world cares about. The message of the Gospel is that Christ is enough. That all this extra stuff is just weighing us down.

And I want to find that balance. I want to find it so bad.

To maintain the purity of the Holiday.

To be humbled by the God who became flesh & dwelt among us.

My heart hurts for something so much simpler.

Christmastime in the City

2011-12-16T17:51:00.002-06:00

We got our first snow last week. Taylor came to wake me up & whispered, "There's snow outside!" To which I grumbled & pulled the covers over my head. This is my 6th winter here people & I hate it more each year. Snow is for snowboarding and that's about it in my mind. And yes, people, obviously when I'm all snug inside my home curled up with a book, huge blanket, and a candle going, snow is fun. Pretty even.

How often do you think I get to do that?

Let's be real.

Taylor surprised me again with tickets to the Ballet. The ballet is my favorite thing to do in the city. I would rather go to the ballet than go to a Broadway show, or a concert, or the symphony, or any other fancy pants thing you can do in a big city.

I wish I had been a ballerina.

It's true.

Afterwards we shared a hot fudge banana split from Ghiradelli's.

Because those go perfect with freezing temps.

Not.

But they are good.

Man they are good.

Then we walked Michigan Ave. with all the lights. We do it every year & every time I can handle the cold a little bit more because of it. Chicago does twinkle lights well, folks. She does 'em well.

Two other Christmas traditions we have in the city are walking the windows of Macy's to read a Christmas story they've chosen for that year (which I will admit- are always super lame) & then we head over to Christkindlmarket to get yummy German food & the beloved Vienna Almonds.

Chicago,

I know I give you a lot of grief during the winter.

A lot.

But you deserve it.

Between us though, I really will miss you so much when we move.

You know that right?!

Because I'm pretty sure your twinkle lights are unbeatable.

K.Sizzle

My Favorite Lady

2011-12-14T14:30:00.003-06:00

My mom is seriously my most favorite lady. Of all time. She makes me laugh like no one else. Let's take today for instance.

I wrote this status update on my Facebook: "Our Christmas tree is already dead, I've not even printed out our Christmas cards, and we've barely shopped for anyone. But I have drunk many hot chocolates & taken many naps. #ohsnap"

Less than a minute later this went down:

Mom: "What does #ohsnap mean?"

Me: "Haha. It just means oh snap."
Me: "Like oh shoot."

Mom: "Why the #?"

Me: "It's like a Twitter thing. Why is it bothering you?!"

Mom: No I just didn't know what it meant."

Me: "I love you. #foshizzle."

Mom: "Now what does that mean!!!"

Me: "You are the best."

Mom: "I am so out of the loop!"

Mom. You're my favorite.

*I apologize for the lack of posting here. The blog has been pretty lame & I feel it! Hopefully after the holidays things will slow down a bit! And if you've never checked out this site- I think you should. That site & the Awkward Family Photo cards at Target are some of my favorite places to be for a good laugh.

P.S. I am a dork on twitter so I'm not even sure why I try with the hashtags and all that.
P.P.S. Is it drunk or drunken? Oh my word. My kindergarten teacher would be so ashamed of me.

Olive.You.Nanny.Christmas Party

2011-12-12T19:38:00.003-06:00

Olive.You.Nanny is a wonderful nanny agency that was started in Chicago by Sarah Davis. She's the pretty blonde with short hair in that first photo along with the other two lovelies who work for the Chicago branch of the company- Kristy & Jessica. All 3 of these ladies are so personable & easy to talk to- which makes for a perfect placement agency.

They get the perks of being a nanny & also the struggles. They're always there for you when you just need to vent over a cup of coffee & remain your advocate/support throughout your time with your family.

If you or anyone you know is ever interested in nannying in Chicago- contact them for sure. They'll hook you up. Plus they throw this sweet appreciation party at Christmas and give away a ton of prizes. Love.

JBM | Newborn

2011-12-09T10:44:00.001-06:00

Our good friends Paul & Susanne welcomed their fourth child into this world this last weekend & I was privileged to meet him just a day after he was born. I love that first image so much. So much character. And I love these last ones of Paul with his newest son. He was so wide awake which was just so amazing to see. Childbirth is really something that amazes me to no end. Just a few days ago I had seen Susanne, and her sweet pregnant self. Then, less than 24 hours in labor, this little one was here. It amazes me that he was in her. Fully in tact. It's just a beautiful thing that God created- childbirth.

I love babies.

We only got a few since there was family there & he was so brand new...but in the coming weeks I hope to capture some more of this little one.

Dad

2011-12-05T15:30:00.005-06:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He's 60 years old. I can hardly believe that. The man is in better shape than both T & I combined and we're supposed to be in our prime...or something like that.

My father is first and foremost a surfer. That is how he has always been my entire life. There are pro's & con's to this identity of his...but as I age and appreciate my parents more & more, I realize how special it is to watch someone you love, do something they love so much.

I love how the ocean is imprinted all over him. He smells of the ocean, and his hands feel rough & dry from the salty water. His truck has a layer of sand, and anytime you want to see a twinkle in his eye- all you have to do is ask him if he's been in the water recently. To which he always replies, "Ya man, the other day..."

Every time I see him it's like I cannot separate the surfer from the father. And I adore it.

One of my most treasured gifts from him is this love for the ocean that he's imparted to me. The moment I am near a body of water I feel a sense of peace & happiness rush over me. It's why going home- it's one of the first things I want to see. It's why here in this crazy city- I long to be on the lakefront. I love the water. And I love it because he does.

There's something I love & long to do with my dad at almost any given moment. I love to sit with him at C-Street and look at the waves. He talks to me about the surfers, & the swell, but mostly we just sit there. Quietly taking it all in. It's in those moments where I feel closest to him. Where I feel like even though words aren't being exchanged, we're communicating everything we need to. My dad knows everything about me...and he's learned a lot of it sitting in those spots along the pacific. As I grow older I realize how much more I want to know about him. How much he has to share. How much he has lived. And I love learning about it there. Where he belongs.

I took this picture last summer, or the one before...and I love it. I love that I can see his curly wet hair in a shadow on his shoulder. I love that his hand is just visible with the sun beating down on it. I love that he's in his wetsuit, fresh out of the water, and I love that it's at C-Street.

Dad,

I will never be able to express to you my gratitude for all you've done for me.

I will never be able to communicate how I feel when you are around.

When you give me a big bear hug.

When I hear your voice over the telephone.

The feeling I get when we're talking about something that's hurt me and you get tears in your big strong eyes.
One of my favorite things to hear is your laugh.
And it's even better when I'm the one that's making you laugh.

I'll never be able to express how thankful I am for the sacrifices you've made for me.

For the love you've shown me.

For all the ways you have supported & cheered me on in life.

"I love you too much."

Happy 60th Birthday,

Kirra Sue Sue
Boofer Girl

Home | June 2011

2011-11-29T06:00:00.015-06:00

This past June we went home to California to pick up a car we bought from Taylor's parents, and drove the 2,000 miles back to Chicago. Before we headed out on our road trip we stayed for 3 days with our loved ones & the homeland.

There were bonfires by the pacific with all our loved ones.

S'more making as well as sunset watching.

There was antique shopping, coffee, and fish tacos.

Many hugs were given. Many kisses exchanged.

Some more tears wiped away.

There was my sister's sweet belly bump & my dad's deep laugh.

Conversations with our mother's & good friends.

Cool salty ocean air.

There was Father's Day memories in person, rather than over the phone and there was lots & lots

of love.

There is no place on earth I'd rather be than with these people, in that place.

That Time We Lived in Bridgeport

2011-11-28T06:00:00.023-06:00

So look. This year. Let's just say it's been a doozie. We have kinda never seen a harder one. But the amazing thing about looking back, is being able to have a clearer picture of the whole.

We survived. Refined by fire. Life lessons learned. Scars that we'll keep. A God who never left us in the midst of it all. And along with those crazy, ridiculous 3 months we lived in Bridgeport, my camera became an outlet for me heal. To process. To let go. We moved to Bridgeport in May and moved out in August. That, my friends, was never the plan. But it's how it turned out. It was a crazy, hot, and life changing summer that I never expected.

With each new disappointment or stress that came up I reached for my camera to capture whatever beauty I had around me. It helped me see God's grace, His kindness, and His goodness when my heart would tell me contrary.

One of my goals before the New Year is to clear off all the pictures on my desktop & make room for 2012. In doing so I've been going back and finding all of the images I never posted here on the blog. I guess I had a lack of inspiration during it all, but looking back- I'm able to see so much good, even in the midst of so much bad.

It's one of the many reasons I love photography.
It's a journaling process for me.
Storytelling.
Memory catching.

Here's that time we lived in Bridgeport...

The Neighborhood

Bridgeport is a classic southside Chicago neighborhood. It's famous for being home of the Daley's, and the White Sox. Originally it's Polish and Irish, but now it's a mix of just about every race that lives in the city. It's nestled just south of Pilsen, and just West of China Town...making it a good spot for both Mexican & Chinese food. For those of you that are familiar with the city- it has the potential of becoming the next Logan Square. Artists are moving in and taking over what was very recently gang territory & setting up hipster cafes & art galleries.

For us- it's home to our favorite coffee shop in the city: Bridgeport Coffee House, and our favorite Mexican restaurants in the city. It's also home to a number of couples in our church, which is why we moved there originally. It's a sweet place, and if it wasn't for the most psychotic landlords I've ever known...we would still live there.

My husband took all of these images. I love when he picks up the camera because I get to see from his point of view.

The Apartment

We found this place on Craigslist & I knew the moment I saw it that I wanted it. The fact that it was $650.00 a month for a 3 bedroom kinda sold us too. But really. For me it was the floors. The natural light. The teal tile. The vintage touches. It felt like an apartment dropped out of heaven, just for us.

If I told you the stories of our landlords (who lived right below us) you would not believe me. Looking back...I literally cannot believe we moved twice in 3 months. That's how bad it was.

I look at these pictures and it's hard for me to separate the wood floors from crazy Leroy screaming in my face. I look at all the natural light & it's hard to separate it from the threats, and the yelling, and the interrogating. But it was a pretty place. Such a sad story it didn't work out. Those floors & I were made for each other.

The Memories

My best friend in the whole entire world came to stay with us along with her 3 boys & hubby. All 7 of us almost died of heat stroke due to the lack of air conditioning in the place....but I will always remember Jax baby in this sweet stage. He was so yummy & chubby. I will remember Leroy screaming at them, and Erin coming with me to the doctors. I will remember that she really is as best as they come.

My mom came to be with us while we waited and waited and waited to hear if everything was ok with our sweet baby. When it wasn't- she was there- to hold me & cry with me. She literally was like a life source to me those weeks. She helped us settle into what we thought was going to be our last home in Chicago, and she ate good food with me. She is the best mother a girl could have. The best. She came to work with me everyday & never left me during many ugly moments I had.

The pity party I threw myself for all the horrible things that were happening was always channeled into buying flowers. Peonies to be exact. And lots of them. Thankfully for me, I have the sweetest husband on this earth...and he fully supported the apartment being filled with them day in and day out. When I was the most heartbroken all I had to do was look at Peonies. Somehow, they reminded me that God is good...even when it hurts so bad.

We spent hours & hours at Bridgeport Coffee House. It became a haven from our psycho apartment. We would go there for breakfast & for lunch...for coffee & for ice cream. I read for hours on the patio & looking back- those moments are some of my favorite from 2011. Living on the same street, just blocks away, was the absolute best. It's the one thing I miss about Bridgeport.

We fell in love with 44th St. Beach. After living next to Oak St. Beach for 5 years I can definitely say- it's much more relaxing elsewhere. And that elsewhere was here. The long and quiet afternoons I got to spend here were perfect.

We ate fresh fruit & veggies all summer long. The only way to do it.

My sweet husband. The man loves to learn about everything. He is the guy who stops to read absolutely any type of information about anywhere. Which is probably why he's a genius & walking dictionary. When we moved to Bridgeport he was so excited that we lived close to the Chicago Stockyards. So one afternoon we went to check them out. He read, and I snapped. Our kids will be so smart because of him.

Katy sent me love in the mail in the form of the HP Entertainment Weekly, and Jess sent me love in the mail in the form of that delicious pink Anthro candle. I am blessed when it comes to friendships. These girls know how to love. I took an afternoon with some food from Happiness Chinese to sit back and relax. It was a happy moment.

The Bridgeport Farmer's Market is teeny tiny compared to the Division & Green City Market, but I loved it just the same.

I threw a Harry Potter party for all my fellow HP nerds in the city before the opening night of Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. I'm serious about this folks. I love Harry Potter. Something fierce. My friend Jenny made the amazing cupcakes & we had butterbeer. It was 9 bagillion degrees this day & everyone that came was such a trooper for sticking out the unairconditioned apartment. I miss Hogwarts.

If you made it this far you should get a prize.
This is the world's longest blog post.
More summer memories coming all week long.

Peace out,
K.Sizzle

Ready for the Eggnog

2011-11-27T16:22:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T17:21:00.000-06:00

We've been spending the holiday weekend with my daddy who flew in from California to celebrate with us. Eating lots of good food, watching lots of football (I am way outnumbered!), and spending time walking around the beautifully decorated city.

Christmastime has officially begun & I cannot wait to celebrate it in every way it deserves.

Lots of love,

K. Sue

Shark Girls

2011-11-23T18:33:00.001-06:00

The girls I nanny were sharks for Halloween.

I mean.

Does it get cuter?

No.

It really doesn't.

And with that my friends I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving holiday!

Don't eat too much.

Or do.

I won't tell.

Love,

K.Sue

A Whole Lotta Love

2011-11-19T18:55:00.002-06:00

Ashley is one of those girls that when I met her- I knew we'd be those forever type of friends.

The kind you run errands with & talk to for hours on the phone...even if you live down the street from one another.

The kind you borrow clothes from & cry with.

The kind you have girl nights with & shop at Anthro with.

The kind you can talk to about absolutely everything.

The kind you share your secrets & dreams with.

The kind of friend you know really prays for you when she says she is.

The kind of friend you eat chocolate with & laugh with until you have tears in your eyes.

The kind of friend that gives it to you straight & always supports you.

The kind of friend that just gets you.

That lets you be you.

I love her.

Love her a-lot-a-lot.

Ethel,

I can't wait to go through a lifetime of memories with you, as sisters & friends.

Let's wear red lipstick & carry big purses even when we're 80, m'kay?

Love,

Marge

Breaking Dawn

2011-11-18T07:30:00.002-06:00

My friends Jenny & Melissa are big Twilight fans, so when I received an Evite saying, "You are invited to Bella Swan's Bridal Shower," I just smiled.

These girls have thrown big parties for every release of the films & this one was no exception. In Breaking Dawn Edward & Bella honeymoon to Brazil, so naturally, we ate all handmade Brazilian food. Because you know. That's what party planning wizards do- they leave no detail unnoticed.

The room was decorated in twinkle lights & all white, and each dessert was handmade by Jenny & Melissa themselves. They are both amazing bakers.

They had us each bring a spa gift that was for "Bella," so that we could each leave with a little goodie after playing a round of white elephant. We played the newlywed game & I totally got more answers wrong than I thought I would, and we also had a fun time writing Edward & Bella's wedding vows for them. Let me tell you. It's a shame our version didn't make the movie...because they were pretty great.

So since it's opening day of Breaking Dawn, here you go, Jenny & Melis! I hope the movie lives up! :) You two girls are rock star party planners. xoxo

And of course, take home packaging for dessert?
Robert & Taylor.
Naturally.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

K.Sue

Thank you, Target.

2011-11-17T07:00:00.000-06:00

I'm all for expensive, fancy candles.
All for them.

But sometimes, they aren't entirely necessary.
Not always.
But sometimes.

This was on sale for $9.00 at Target last week & ever since then our kitchen has smelled like I'm some great baker. Which I'm soooo not.

So Target, thanks!
I love the way my kitchen can smell like fresh baked goods
without me having to deal with flour & sugar.
Amen.

Hunger Games Fans

2011-11-16T16:49:00.001-06:00

All my Hunger Games fans.

What do you guys think of this trailer?!

Please help me get excited...because the trailer kiiiiiinda disappointed me.

C'mon.

Help me get excited.

Being a Klutz Knows No Bounds

2011-11-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Exhibit A.

That would be Kale.

All over our floor.

Because apparently walking from the sink to the stove

takes extreme concentration if your name is Kirra.

Whatev.

Cooking is for the birds somedays.

Once Upon A Time

2011-11-15T06:00:00.002-06:00

In all 5 years of blogging I don't think I've ever mentioned a TV show...simply because we literally watch old episodes of the Office & that's it- but this Fall, the little girl in me was drawn to this fairy tale inspired new show.

It's only the 4th episode but T & I have been enjoying it. I should say I've probably been enjoying it a teensie bit more, just because I'm the fantasy nerd in the family- but he's liking it too. :) I grew up reading the fairy tales much more than he did so it's been fun to look them up & remember the details.

The graphics make me cringe & some of the actors are a little bit unpolished (ok some of them are very unpolished)...but I guess you can't expect that much from a TV show budget, right? And of course- it's the 21st century so the Savior in the story has to be a chick- instead of a guy...but other than all of those things...I likey.

I especially likey Snow's apartment. That probably sounds confusing. But Snow in present day has an Anthropolgiesh apartment (naturally) that makes me want to roll up my sleeves & get decorating.

I like the themes already being displayed & though I never watched LOST, I'm confident the writers will surprise us & keep us watching.

Anyone else tuning in?
If you're interested, all the episodes are online for free here.

City Folk Go Apple Picking

2011-11-14T07:00:00.001-06:00

Taylor & I were both born & raised in shiny suburbs right outside of Los Angeles, CA & Phoenix, AZ. On top of that we've been living in the city of Chicago for years now, so to say we're not real in touch with country related things is an understatement.

This year we were determined to head out of the city though & partake in some good ole' apple picking. It's all the rage here in the midwest & since we're intent on soaking in every aspect of Fall that we can, it was a perfect date. After church one Sunday we headed over to Indiana to County Line Orchard & we had the best afternoon being total dorks together. You should've heard us picking our first piece of fruit from a tree.

Little bit too deprived I guess of agricultural things. :)

It was freezing & raining this day, & we were way late in the season, but we still had the best time. I made a yummy apple crisp when we got home. Love.

I'm looking forward to doing this again next year & I have it on my to-do list to go blueberry & peach picking next year as well.

And guys, warm apple cider donuts are SO AMAZING.

We love Apple Picking.

The end.

The Front Rooms

2011-11-11T15:50:00.006-06:00

In Chicago there are these classic old homes that were converted into flats & this is our first time living in one. Our first two years of marriage we lived in a high rise, and the second two years we lived above the sweetest little flower shop on the 3rd floor. We had a 3 month stint this summer in another apartment that shall not be named, because it was such a nightmare...and now here we are. In a little flat on the first floor.

It's our first time living out of downtown, and I've got to say, neighborhood living has some charms. Plus our rent went down & our square footage went way up. Can't beat that. :)

When we first viewed this apartment we fell in love with it because it's the first place that's ever felt like a house rather than an apartment. I was sold.

Probably our favorite quality about this place is the front & back rooms. The front rooms are the office & living room, while the back of the apartment is home for the kitchen & dining room. Off the hallway we have a guest room, a bathroom & our room. Then we have a enclosed back porch & a backyard. I'll be sharing pictures of those spaces as we settle in. :)

So without further ado- here's the front room. Mainly, the living room- since not much has changed in the office since I last showed you & since I found T's desk chair.

When you walk into the apartment you see this wall here & the front rooms are to the left. I want to eventually find a bench with storage underneath to replace the bookcase.

The only thing I've added to the office is this Manhattan print I found at Paper Source for Taylor's side. I'll be framing it soon, but for now, oversized pins worked just fine.

This is what you see when you first enter the living room. I'm still getting used to the idea of having two couches in one room- but it's turning out ok. We have lots of seating now. :)

The TV our parents got us for our anniversary one year continues to bless our movie loving home.

The living room view from the office.

I love sitting in Betsy with a cup of coffee & a book.

We read a lot in this family. :)

Being Bible college students & now T being a seminary student also gives us lots & lots of opportunities to buy books too.

The globe is from a flea market, and I paid too much for it ($20)- but I love it.

The framed picture is Taylor's grandmother.

The antique Minolta camera was Taylor's Uncles & the ESV study bible was a gift to us from the Gee's.

The Oh How He Loves Us print was from Tank & Tink.
Old books are thrifted/gifted from all over the place.

You know, people ask me all the time if Taylor is ok with the pink stuff. And you know what folks, he really is. I wouldn't have any of this stuff if he wasn't! Promise! I'm a nice wife. ;)

Any recommendations on what color I should go with for the walls in here?! I'm thinking light gray...but not sure?

Green Smoothie Kind-of Morning

2011-11-11T10:13:00.001-06:00

Really.
Pinterest.
Who knew?

The people who are behind this are so smart.
So smart indeed.

I can't tell you how many new recipes I've tried, how many ideas I've gleaned for our home, & how helpful this little website has been.

Yup.
I'm a fan.

Any other fans out there?!
What's been your favorite thing about Pinterest?!

*Green Smoothie Recipe

Lincoln Park Zoo | The Gee Family

2011-11-06T21:12:00.014-06:00

This past Saturday I had the blessing of photographing some very important people to me. Monica & Brian have been in my life for the last 4 years & I can honestly say they've done nothing but made it sweeter. They've added so much joy with their wit & humor, their love for the arts, and their hearts for God. My husband & Brian have been friends since youth group back in California & I was the lucky one when they moved out East from Santa Clarita to the suburbs of Chicago. Since then we've been able to grow together as friends do.

Monica & I have especially gotten to know one another over the years & I am convinced this woman is one of the most creative, intelligent, & kind hearted women that I know. She has followed me into some of my darkest moments & has celebrated with me in my victories. She is an excellent cook, an amazing mother to her two boys, & someone who I go to for advice on just about anything.

Brian too is all of the above. Crazy talented when it comes to photography, languages, and so much more. A genius but not arrogant. And literally one of the kindest guys out there. He & Monica have been so supportive of my photography- since before we could even call it photography. Their canon was the first dslr I'd ever held. Awwww. Special.

Plus. They are the people who first told me about Kane County Flea Market. It's true. They know me. They know me well.

I so loved taking pictures of them this day- even if I was a little nervous to be photographing a photographer himself. :) Their love for their little boy is just so evident & they are a couple I admire so much. They've worked through their valleys & climbed their mountains together. Never leaving one another. Always growing. Always loving. T & I are blessed to be their friends. This day I didn't have to tell them one single thing to do. They are rock stars like that.

Brian & Monica:

I love you big.

Like, so very big.

Thank you for loving me back.

And for believing in me when it comes to this photography thing.

From the very, very beginning.

Thank you for helping me love the midwest more.

As well as love God more.

Parker:

Look at all those smiles you gave your Auntie!

Don't lose all your chub just yet.

Please!?!

It's just too cute.

I can't wait to see you become a big brother.

Love you to pieces.

Baby "N:"

Hi.

I can't wait for you to get here!

Be nice to your mommy the next 3 months, m'kay?

She's growing you.

It's hard business.

Always,

Kirra

Doughnut Vault | Chicago

2011-11-04T18:33:00.007-05:00

Nestled sweetly behind the beautiful Merchandise Mart lives a tiny little doughnut shop. Over the last few years the rise of the cupcake boutique has taught us all a little lesson: Make something seem important enough & people will pay whatever the cost.

A single cupcake that costs almost $4.00? The notion is ridiculous, and yet we've all fallen under the spell. I've eaten said $4.00 cupcake at Molly's Cupcakes on Clark, More Cupcakes in the Gold Coast, Sprinkle's in Beverly Hills, Chicago, & Phoenix, Sweet Mandy B's in Lincoln Park, & Magnolia Bakery in New York City. And I've eaten these cupcakes far too many times. Crumbs is also a yummy spot. But this is about doughnuts, not cupcakes.

When we read about the Doughnut Vault we couldn't believe our rotten luck. For 4 years we lived just mere blocks away from it's location, and it opened the summer we moved to the southside. Today we decided to mosey on over there by taking a short ride on the orange line & walking over the bridge that would lead us to the home of doughnut goodness.

We knew it would be good, but we could not have anticipated just how good.

Beautiful vintage chandeliers, hand painted detailing gracing the walls, chunky gold mirrors, and of course- beautiful & perfect subway tile. I die.

The inside is similar to Sprinkle's in that it holds only enough people to wait in line & exit- but that's exactly what adds to it's charm. One imagines business men & women standing in line for their morning treat as they head off to the Loop to make a difference in our city & world. Something about how small it is adds to it's importance as well. It doesn't need lofty rooms & places to sit. It's above that.

Outside is a large farmhouse table with trendy vintage looking chairs that many new restaurants are donning. Just one table. Communal doughnut eating. I like it.

The robins egg blue contrasted with the white washed brick makes you feel like you're somewhere along the coast, but really you're tucked between some of the finest architecture in Chicago.

When we walked in we were greeted by a friendly young lady who offered us French Pressed Metropolis coffee. They know. They know what they're doing at Doughnut Vault. Not only is it fresh, fabulously brewed, & local- it's a $1.00. One dollar for a cup of coffee. The world makes more sense when a cup of coffee costs $1.00, don't you think?

The doughnuts are huge. They are fresh. And they are heavenly. I chose the chestnut glazed one, while Taylor opted for the vanilla glazed. We were satisfied customers at the end of it all.

So why pay $6.00 for two doughnuts? Why do it?

Do it for the experience. Do it because they really & truly are better than Dunkin Dounuts or anything in that vein. Do it because it's 2011 & haven't you heard....trendy specialized bakeries are all the rage. And lastly, do it because you won't be able to find $1.00 coffee anywhere else. Plus, it's a great place for a date.

If you live in the city, or are visiting- it may be a fun destination for you. They take cash only & are open only until they sell out. You can grab the address from their Facebook page.

Thanks for the date, Doughnut Vault.

Love,

2 Happy Chicagoans

Eliam | Infant

2011-11-04T16:23:00.002-05:00

Sweet baby Eliam.

Love this little guy so much.

Coming Soon

2011-11-02T22:56:00.002-05:00

Our friends Mark & Leah had a sweet little baby boy.

They named him Eliam.

I took his photos & he cried a lot.

As most babies do.

More coming soon.

Letting it Be

2011-11-01T07:00:00.004-05:00

Credit

I never could have anticipated the trials & stresses I've encountered this year.

Never.

Without reducing them to statements of, "It could be so much harder," or, "It could be so much easier," I will suffice it to say that they are my trials.

Designed specifically for me.

Therefore they impact and hurt me more than they would someone else.

And they grow me more than they would someone else.

It feels like most days I am dancing between lines of joy & lines of sorrow.

They come & go quickly- leaving me tangled up in their transitions.

Wondering & questioning.

"When will I feel normal again?"

Grief is somewhat chaotic.

There is no rhythm to it.

Except for that it's unpredictable.

And it fails to ask for your permission.

It rushes in & steals your thoughts & heart without so much as a, "May I please?"

There is one thing that is certain.

Pain changes you.

It colors your world in hues you never imagined.

Without pain, what is joy?

And yet- does it need to hurt so very much?

Disappointed hopes & broken dreams are not easy to move on from.

As much as people desire to see you climb up from the depths of your valley to your victorious mountaintop as quickly as possible- it just isn't so.

I wish it were.

I wish pain left as quickly as it came.

I wish it took with it all the bitterness, all the sting, and all the chaos.

I'm discovering that by letting it all be- letting it all hurt as much as it hurts- is the process of healing from the shock of it all.

I'm speaking in vague terms to be sure. But everyone can relate. Because everyone has their pain. Their story. Their heartache. Their tailor made trial.

By letting it all be I'm realizing that God is sought after more honestly & even more earnestly. Expressing pain & sorrow to the Lord is one of the sweetest forms of communion I have with Him.

And I dare not wish for the absence of pain- for I would forgo these sacred moments of seeing Him face to face. Of crying out to Him. I wouldn't read His words as I do now. His promises would not ring as precious to me, were they not all that I have to hold onto.

Candy, Apple Crisp, & Carrot Cake

2011-10-31T17:44:00.002-05:00

We're passing out treats to all the littles in the neighborhood & I'm baking up a storm:

apple crisp & carrot cake.

Lots of sugar in this house at the present.

Lots.

Happy Halloween, friends!

Alive

2011-10-29T22:42:00.014-05:00

Hi there.

I am alive.
I promise.

I just am soaking in a much needed long weekend.

One where I laugh with one of my closest friends.
And hold my husband's hand & talk with him over coffee for hours.

One where I sleep in until 10am.
And bake brownies way past my bedtime.

One where I play with my camera- just for fun.
And read a book not on starting a photography business.

A weekend where I explore some parts of the city.
And meet with tons of friends for coffee, movies, & treats.

I'm soaking in
red leaves,
lattes,
phone dates with Erin,
good books,
long walks,
scarves,
good conversations,
and cooking.

I have two more days off before I return to work & I intend on settling into them with as much relaxation as I can. Apple picking tomorrow, and painting some new furniture on Monday.

Thoughts & links from the weekend:
1. There are the cutest stockings at Anthro right now for Christmas. I want them.
2. If Snow on Cedar does not return before Christmas decorations are up, I will cry.
3. I wish I could spend everyday hanging with my husband. Couples with days off together- please realize the amazingness of it. We are longing for the day when we can share days off. Longing for it fiercely, ya'll.
4. One of my favorite ways to spend a Friday night is talking & laughing with this girl. LOVE her to pieces. Ethel & Marge forever.
5. Good book so far. Witty writer- I like.
6. Right up my alley. Don't hate.
7. Asian Stir Fry is too good.
8. Surprises are special. Like today when Amy secretly bought me an Anthro mug while we were shopping & when we walked over to Starbucks she had them put my drink in it to surprise me. I mean. The sweetest.
9. Babies are yummy.
10. I hate cats. But man. This was cute.
11. Ate at a Chick-fil-a. What is all the craze, folks? Someone explain it to me.

These pictures were taken on Thursday, when I met my husband up north in a suburb of Chicago near his Seminary. We browsed the stores & talked over coffee while it rained outside before going & listening to this fantastic debate. It was the perfect way to start my 5 day weekend.

Love,
K.Sue

Home | October 2011

2011-10-24T23:27:00.005-05:00

Home.

I love being there. I love being with our families & close friends. Near the Pacific, the 405, & all the things that are so familiar. The things that make sense.

This trip was short- & one of the sweetest yet. Kaylee was my main reason for being there so my camera didn't focus on much else but her. My Granny & Aunt Liz were also visiting from Texas so it was like a mini-reunion. I love these people. I love them so much.

The Highlights

My niece. She has my heart, forever.

Arriving at LAX at 8:30am.

Eating Sprinkle's for Breakfast in Beverly Hills by 9am with my MIL.

Laughing with my momma & being in her home.

It's one of my most favorite places to be.

Hugging my dad & seeing him smile.

Watching my big sister as a mother.

Bonfires on the beach with Taylor & mine's parents.

The 126. Always.

Meeting up with Katygirl for lunch at Stonefire. She is amazing & I love her.

Catching up with my step-dad in person. I'm so thankful for him.

In-N-Out. Surprise, surprise.

Watching my Granny hold her great-granddaughter.

Amazing.

Christmas, come soon.

I'm looking forward to celebrating you back in that sweet & happy place of mine.

The Way to my Heart

2011-10-22T16:44:00.003-05:00

One of the surest ways to my heart is furniture.

Chipped, ragged, old, & worn out furniture. Unique pieces. One of a kind. Shabby. I could spend every day, all day, looking at furniture and not get sick of it.

Would you believe that it's one of the surest ways to my mother-in-laws heart also?

I love that we understand each other.

The boys don't get it so much.

Our obsession with each piece & the thrill of the hunt.

I think we went to my favorite *spots more than we ate on this trip.

I just counted, and we bought 9 new pieces of furniture in a week.

Lots of them need my love & attention...and I can't wait to share.

But there are some that are beautiful just the way they are.

I love.

The first day my MIL arrived we did two things immediately.

Ate Mexican Food.

And thrifted.

Perfection.

We laughed so much this night I think I almost peed my pants. TMI? I know. Sorry, folks.

But.it.was.so.funny.

It took us 4 hours to get that pink couch home & I think we giggled the entire time.

That memory is etched in my heart forever.

The yellow wardrobe is now our pantry.

And I couldn't possibly be more in love with a piece of furniture.

Super old. Super shabby. Super fabulous.

A desk chair for T for $10.00. There's a rip in the leather seat but I can reupholster it.

I'm obsessed with it & it's so comfortable.

There's a bar between our dining room & kitchen that I needed super high stools for.

We found these at *the most random spot- but I love them. My MIL is going to make me seat covers for the top out of some old vintage tablecloths I have & I'll leave the bottom a hunter green...just because I love it's natural chips & imperfections.

Sigh.

Furniture.

I just love it so much.

I'm so thankful for her generosity towards us & our home.
Her fingerprints reside here in each piece, and the memories of hunting for them bring a smile to my face.

A Mother & her Son

2011-10-21T23:05:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow she leaves.
And I will cry.

I look at the kind and loving woman that she is,
and then I look to her son and I am so astounded by the impact.
The mark she left on him.

He learned some of the things I love most about him, by her example.
It's beautiful.
And I am thankful for her labor of love over her son.

The Balance

2011-10-18T21:31:00.003-05:00

Since I've started taking actual paid clients, I've bumped into a road block that I know I will bump up against throughout my entire journey as a photographer.

I was warned of this road block by those that have traveled the road before me, and I knew in my gut that I would hit it fast.

Taking pictures that I love, verses taking pictures that clients love.

Sometimes they are one in the same, and sometimes they are vastly different.

I came across this one tonight as I was sifting through the 800+ pictures I took of this family & immediately I loved it.

I loved his cubby little fingers, & cheeks.
I loved his belly peeking out.
I loved his daddy's hands holding him.
And I loved the colors & how soft his skin looks.
But most of all I loved his eyelashes.

Instantly though the thought crept into my mind- "But not everyone likes these kinds of pictures."
And it's true.
Not everyone does.

Some people like lots of props.
Some people like all candids.
Some people like things that I don't like.
And that is totally 100% okay.
Especially if you are handing me a check.

Staying true to what I love, while offering clients what they love is going to be hard.
There will be trial & error I'm sure.

But I'm excited to grow.
Excited to learn.
And excited to study my clients so that I can deliver images that they love, while staying true to what catches my eye.

The encouraging thing is- there are lots of wonderful photographers out there that have been learning this lesson for a long time & have passed on great advice to me.

I want my clients to love what they see. But I want to love it too.
Balance, balance, balance.

That word is both beautiful & difficult.

Memory Making

2011-10-18T20:33:00.007-05:00

A Derek Webb & Sandra Mccracken concernt.

Beautiful latte art from Lovely Cafe. My favorite.

Shopping for lots & lots of antiques.

I am now the proud owner of an antique pink couch & lots of other beautiful furniture thanks to my sweet mother-in-law & I.am.in.love.

Cheap white wine. The best.

Watching movies & making dinner.

Laughing.

Lots & lots of laughing.

Walking in the crisp fall air.

Eating lots of good food at some of our favorite spots in the city.

So many encouraging conversations about trusting the Lord...no matter what.

I love that she's here.

Memory making in person is simply the best.

I've been bad with taking out my camera.

But the next few days will change that.

And the amazing news?

She has 4 more days before boarding a plane & leaving us.

Love, love, love.

A Walk With Fall

2011-10-17T00:01:00.004-05:00

My mother-in-law arrived in Chicago this Saturday.
And I want to soak in every minute we have with her here.

So we're taking lots of walks with Fall & Chicago.
Embracing the time we have.
Eating good food.
Laughing.
Sharing.
Antiquing.

And just being with one another.

I will start blogging my sessions real soon- but in the meantime you can check out my Facebook page & become a fan, or view my portfolio & website here. Soon these links will be fixed features on this here bloggie.

Hope you all are enjoying Fall, wherever you are.
K. Sue

P.S. Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks? Where the heck have I been? My sweet MIL enlightened me this weekend and I may never be the same.

The Middle Ground

2011-10-13T10:43:00.014-05:00

It's been almost 5 years that I've been blogging & I still am trying to find the right ingredients to make it just right.

To make it just personal enough.
To make it just private enough.

This year it's gone through a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Up.
Down.
Private.
Public.
Semi-private.

And for the first time I think I maybe have found a happy middle ground.

Deleting the posts I felt were too personal, and keeping the posts that I was comfortable with.
It felt a little like ripping pages out of a journal.
But that there is the whole issue for me.

Is this the place for my private journal?

My natural inclination is to open up. Always. To share. To be honest. I love it. And I love when others do the same. But I came to a point where I realized my blog that could be found by any human on the earth with access to the Internet did not need to be the place for that kind of vulnerability.

Just for me at least.

I want it to be a place to share. To create. To inspire. To encourage. And to learn.

But all in moderation & with respect for privacy. There's something sacred about not putting it all out there for absolutely everyone.

It seems so obvious but it took me 5 years to learn.

I've also rediscovered my love for actually journaling with pen & paper.
For printing out photographs.
For buying real photo albums.
For picking up the phone and hearing my friend's voices & sharing with them.

I don't want my whole life to be on the Internet.
Not one bit.

So blogging, I'm ready to tackle you. With my heart & brain. :)

Kaylee Renee | Infant

2011-10-11T21:50:00.009-05:00

This last weekend my life got a little sweeter than it was before.
You see, I was finally able to hold my precious niece, Kaylee.

She was born almost 7 weeks ago- but those 2,000 miles got in the way of me holding & kissing her.

As I watched her first weeks unfold on Facebook through mobile uploads I couldn't help but feel like I was missing out on all of it.
And it broke my heart.

Distance is always hard.
No matter what.
But adding a niece to the picture just made it a lot more complicated.

This weekend I took it all in. The way her eyes fluttered while she dreamt. The way she smelled like heaven. How she looked when she was upset. How she looked when she was content. I didn't want to miss any of it.

And yes, I was the sentimental Aunt that cried like a baby in the airport as I said good-bye. I've probably never been so bummed to board a flight to the Windy City in my life.

***

Kaylee Renee,

You probably won't understand for a very long time just how much I love you.

Before you will comprehend it, there will be your first steps & words.

There will be sippy cups & training wheels.

Backpacks & report cards.

Boy crushes & girl fights.

Drivers licenses & proms.

College applications & job interviews.

But through all of those things and so much more- I hope you will see and know, how deep my love is for you.

I am praying for you.

I am proud of you.

I am cheering for you.

I am in awe of your miraculous little life.

And I am so in love with you.

I cannot wait to watch you grow into a beautiful woman.

May God's grace always be before you & upon you.

Always,

Auntie Kirra

Neal & Ash | Preview

2011-10-04T16:48:00.003-05:00

Loved shooting in that sweet & warm October sun.

Cozy on In

2011-09-13T17:06:00.007-05:00

Fall is here.
A spicy aroma fills our home & cheery pumpkins are propped up on windowsills.
The windows are open and in comes that sweet autumn breeze I've grown to love.
A handmade blanket from my mother is draped on our couch, beckoning us to come & sit for awhile.

This is one of my favorite times of the year in Chicago.

The Office Dilemma

2011-09-11T15:22:00.007-05:00

At the front of the apartment is a room that we'd like to make into a joint office for the both of us. The office is right off of the living room, where all of T's books are, so it's the perfect place for him to do homework. It's also the perfect place for the computer- where I will be spending a lot more time since I'm going to take the plunge into photography! (A website is currently in the works! Eek!).

I am so lost though on how to make it work.

The other day we received the round desk on the right from a friend & were able to pair the old desk chair with it since I had found the white one earlier in the week.

We eventually want to get T a larger desk- with more work space so he can spread all of his textbooks out, but for now it'll work. The chair he's using is also really uncomfortable & I'd love to find an antique rolling desk chair for him.

At first I had the green desk pushed against the wall & his desk was in a corner. The look was just boring & flat. I love the idea of two desks being pushed together, but I'm not sure if it can be pulled off with two different shapes? I set the printer in the front to offset how drastically different the desks are from another, but I'm wondering what you guys think?

Do you like it?

Or hate it?

I love honesty- so go for it.

I also can't decide if I should try to keep the desk it's dark wood color, or paint it white. Taylor doesn't take issue with all my pinks & whites...but I do wish it was a little more guyish sometimes. At least neutral, if not guyish. :) Could it work with leaving my side more girly, and his side more masculine? I'm just not sure, folks. Just not sure.

The filing cabinet I once hated so much, I really don't mind now. I actually like it's gray exterior & straight lines. It's in a good spot in the corner- and if we're ever able to, I'd love to get a wireless printer & set it over there so the cords don't have to come out of the backside of the Mac. I just threw the bulletin board & mail holder up there- but I'd like to get a large calendar there for our schedules as well as some other organization pieces.

Behind my desk I'd love to have this bookcase filled with all my design books & magazines as well as photos & all my other "stuff."

I LOVE how they decorated the bookshelf in this home. So organized & pretty. I also love the shelves- which is what I was thinking of putting above our two desks in the center?

So here we go:

1. Do you like how the desks are set up? If not, how would you place them?

2. Should I paint Taylor's desk & chair white, or leave them dark? Can my side be feminine & his side be more urban/masculine?

3. Should I paint the office gray or leave it white?

And just cause we're talking office- here's my dream list for the room:

1. This rug

2. This bookcase

3. These shelves in white

4. This lamp for T

5. This calendar

6. These letters in T & K

7. This chair for T

Can you believe some people get paid to decorate?

Sometimes I think I should've stuck with the course of Interior Design.

But then I think of Moody & wouldn't change it for anything.

Help me out with the office, yo.

I'd appreciate it.

Dreaming of Home

2011-09-09T21:51:00.010-05:00

I miss my family.
Non.stop.

Hi there, Hunger Games Trailer

2011-09-01T15:36:00.002-05:00

1st Day Back

2011-08-24T23:43:00.003-05:00

T had his first day back at school.
I have no picture.
And no stories.
Other than that we are bone tired.
Do people even say that?
Doesn't matter.
Bone tired.
I needed to write it down though- today is his first day back.
I didn't make homemade cinny rolls for breakfast.
There was no note in his lunch.
I didn't even have time to text him because of the crazy girls today.

14 hours apart.

The police were here this evening because of some issues going on with the people above us & the landlord (aweeeesome).
I made P.Dub's Chicken Tortilla Soup for dinner.
I started at 8 pm.
I did not read the directions beforehand- because I'm dumb like that- and we ate dinner at 10:15pm.
Read the directions, Kirra.
Read em girl.

Life is not always peachy the way we want it to be.
But I love my husband & he loves me.
Maybe one day I'll have it all together & he'll get those homemade cinny rolls on his first day of an important thing & I'll always curl my hair.
But even if that doesn't happen- we're gonna be just fine I think.
Cause we've got love, love, love.

Happy 1st day back at school babe. You're gonna rock it.

Love,
Your Biggest Fan

A Very Special Day

2011-08-17T14:31:00.005-05:00

Today my big sister gave birth to her daughter.
My niece.

And life is forever sweeter.

Kaylee Renee Ribbons

6 Pounds 14 Ounces

20 1/2 Inches

Nana

Pawpaw

And I'm just waiting for one with Kaylee, her Daddy & Mommy.

I've seriously been glued to my phone waiting for any pictures to come in.

I wish I was there.

Kaylee,

You have no idea what's about to hit you.

Because I have about 25 years of love saved up for you, little darling.

And it's about to get unleashed in as many gifts as I can possibly give, and as many kisses as I can possibly give.

Your Uncle should be a little worried about our bank accounts.

I am so proud of you, already.

I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful baby girl.

I love you & will always be one of your biggest fans.

And just so you know- I'm the favorite Aunt.

Always.

Ok?

Promise.

I love you to the moon & back,

Auntie Kirra

Just one more reason

2011-08-14T14:18:00.003-05:00

Taylor prepared & preached a sermon this Sunday at church.
In the midst of packing, moving, & working.
And never once was irritated.

One more reason he's my hero.

Dedicating Our New Home

2011-08-13T20:45:00.003-05:00

My arms & legs are weary from lifting & moving.
Climbing & pulling.
My feet are filthy from rain & dirt.
My clothes smell like wet cardboard & my hair is matted to my forehead.

And I am thankful.

After many hours of lugging boxes, 6 car loads, and enduring rain...I decided to sit.

I was alone in our new home.

And I was filled with peace.
Relief.
Joy.
Thankfulness.

I cannot tell you how long those feeling have been out of reach.

So much left to be done.
But so much peace.

And instead of continuing on, I sat.

To pray.
To thank God.
To dedicate our new home to Him.

To ask Him to fill it with repentance & forgiveness.
To fill it with joy, love, peace & laughter.

With sweet times alongside friends & family.
With meals that bless the body.
And conversations that comfort the soul.

To fill it with children from my womb.
Chubby fingers & smiles.
Blankets & toys.

To fill it with intimacy with my husband.
Slow dancing in the kitchen.
Conversations by candlelight.
And many kisses goodnight.

To fill it more than anything with Himself.
That in this home, I would learn that He is enough.
That He is enough to satisfy, even in broken dreams & shattered hearts.

I want this home to be for Him.
For His Kingdom, for His glory, for His pleasure.

I love this new home & I am so thankful for a place of rest.
God is merciful.

I love you, forever.

2011-08-09T22:58:00.004-05:00

A Good Story

2011-08-01T11:55:00.002-05:00

I'm in need of a good story.
Preferably a love story, since I'm such a sucker for those.
But I do love adventure & historical fiction too.

Any ideas? Would love to hear what you've been reading. The Help is on my list but I think not just yet...any other ideas would be awesome.

xo

Embracing Love

2011-07-17T14:23:00.005-05:00

There are genuine good things that have come out of our miscarriage.

In the 4 months we've been dealing with the pregnancy, and the loss, I have never witnessed Taylor's faith in God & love for me, so fully on display.

So much have I felt his love for me, and my love for him, that I dare not say- I wish the trial away.

That I wish that baby back.

And though I've cried & ached & missed & hurt....

the love has been so much stronger.

Taylor has ministered to me in so many ways over the last 4 months.

Through not just those dark moments in waiting, or the pain after the surgery, but just through his simple & thoughtful words on the days when it seems I am most alone.

The intimacy that this trial has brought on, and the strength that it has added to our marriage is more than I could've asked or dreamt for.

I was reminded again the last two weekends of how much I admire and look up to Taylor.

Last week he preached at church on the text from 1 Peter 1:3-5.

And as he preached tears welled up in my eyes- not because he's my husband and I'm proud- but because he was preaching words I knew had my name all over them.

The book of 1st Peter.

Who knew.

Who knew that just as the trial would get especially hard, as I wait and wait and wait for my cycle to regulate (as in actually come into existence), that we would start studying the book of 1st Peter at church.

And that it would turn everything upside down.

Today Taylor lead worship and once again, tears welled up in my eyes as we sung out songs he had picked.

We sang out together as one body- that it is well with our souls.

That though all hell should endeavor to take us- God will never forsake us.

And though we were at church, and my husband was leading many people in worship the last two weeks- I praised God for giving me such a husband.

A husband that is seeking God both behind closed doors & out in the courts.

A husband that treats me like Christ did His church.

With great sacrifice.

With great care.

With great love.

With great service.

With great leadership.

I've been thinking about the issues I stated here earlier in the week.

How sad I can feel on certain days about this season.

Am I really sad to have had 4 beautiful years with my husband?

Just him & I?

Am I really saying, "I wish that away?"

I certainly hope not.

Because it's not the case.

I wouldn't want to trade it.

Not only because I'd rather have God's plan for me, than my own....

but because it's been amazing.

Through each trial we've faced- God has not only strengthened our faith in Him- but grown our love for one another.

Who knows if God is preparing Taylor & I to be a mother & father.

Who knows but God.

But I do know- He's making good on His promises to change us through one another.

That He's sanctifying us now as husband & wife.

And that because of one another- we'll be that much more ready to see Jesus one day.

I'm embracing all of Taylor's love.

Embracing it and taking it in.

Understanding the depths of it in the valley's far more than I'd ever understand it on mountaintops.

I love you, Taylor.

More and more.

With each new day.

Each new trial.

Each new blessing.

Let's keep running the race together- picking one another up as we fall. Cheering on one another as we walk through the fire. Let's rejoice together- knowing there is glory & honor & praise to be had for those who finish well.

In that Sweet Summertime Bliss

2011-07-09T23:42:00.005-05:00

For some reason today feels like it marked the first day of summer for me.

Perhaps it's the fact that it was my first time this year at the lake.
Or the fact that I am cherry red from an afternoon basking in the sunshine.
Or that we woke up early, got coffee to go at Bridgeport Coffee House, and then moseyed on over to the Bridgeport Farmer's Market.
Which is clearly no Green City Market, but still enjoyable.

Maybe it's that there have been late nights of hanging out with friends & evening runs with Taylor.
Or all the fresh veggies & fruit we keep eating.
Or the tons of flowers that keep finding their way into our home.

I love summertime.
It's always been my favorite season of all.

Lazy days are few and far between the older you get- but I intend to make the most of them.
Despite the circumstances.

I'm saying no to keeping my floors blissfully clean.
I'm saying yes to reading long hours.

I'm saying no to having a rigorous meal plan for my entire week.
I'm saying yes to spur of the moment taco dates with my husband.

I'm saying no to having my life look perfect.
I'm saying yes to God's grace & plan.

There are cracks and flaws with this summer.
But it's still full of those sweet times.

Still full of blasting Lady Antebellum.
Still full of watermelon & ice cold Izzies.
Still full of laughing in the sunshine.
Still full of walking through the park.
Still full of growing & changing.

Charles Spurgeon once said, "If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all."

This seems to be a statement swirling around in my head, making it's way down to my heart, and completely changing the way I think about these last few months of trials.

That along with the book of Job & 1 Peter.

How is it I can praise God when things go well, and grow cold to Him when He sends trials- trials that are tailored perfectly for me & for my good?

It's a shame.

Because as my heart shivers with coldness, I am really the one that loses.

Conviction comes with each day I think of how I've handled these trials- what I've done with my time & my circumstances.

My heart wants to burn with passion for the One who sends both ill & good.
The One who loves me to the point of a thieves death.
The One who calls me Beloved.
The One who has secured my inheritance in Heaven.

Summertime, I'll looking to use you for something so much bigger than simple pleasures. I'm looking to use you as a way to bring glory to my great God.

Pixilie Pics Part III

2011-07-07T16:03:00.008-05:00

When I try to sit down and reason with my beloved husband about why an iPhone would just be soooooooooooooo helpful, I always bring up pictures. I just love pictures. I love taking them. I love sharing them. I love them. And me little maroon LG phone....she doesn't take such swell pictures. But me mother's beautiful iPhone...well hers are gorgeous.

Let's be honest though.

I'm a bit snobby when it comes to apple and that's the real reason I want one.

But I do have about 5 other solid reasons why an iPhone would be so great.

Taylor.
The iPhone.
It'd be great.
Let's talk.
Love you.

In no particular order.
For no particular reason.

On the day we moved I woke up super early and walked to my Jamba. I sat at the bottom of the Hancock, where I've sat so many times, and I cried. I cried because we were moving out of downtown. I would miss the big tall buildings that steal all the sunshine. I would miss being walking distance to everything. I would miss my home in Chicago. I probably cried mostly because I was pregnant and a total basket case- but you know- I was sad to move.

Leighton's momma framed a picture I took of him & I was so happy.

I like taking pictures that make other people happy.

My stepdad is letting me borrow this for a bit.

I am in love.

And it's so friggin heavy that hopefully I will shed some of this arm chubalub I've got going on.

But I probably just need to hit the gym.

Anyone wanna join me?!

Good grief.

I need assistance.

The day I've been waiting for for so long.

The day I could drive to Target, park my car, and load up my bags in the back.

This car has power steering and that's about it- but honestly- as I'm cranking down my windows- I feel like the Queen of England.

Having a car is AMAZING.

Amazing.

I am spoiled.

And this Corolla might as well be a Porsche that's how excited I am about it.

Oh Adele. She has had some rough patches. This guy thought he could park here like this and not have to deal with me. When he finally showed up on the scene after I'd been waiting a half hour I told him calmly it was an extremely selfish thing to do. As if he's the only human being that needed a parking spot. That he blocked me in so that I couldn't get out. That all the other people on the street have places to go too.

He just kinda looked at me.

Awesome.

Then he backed out and scrapped my entire back bumper & dented it.

Right in front of me.

Good job, buddy.

Good job.

My friend from work, Carl (I call him Bass- go Sunshine!) used to buy me these and they would make me so happy. They sell them in our grocery store in Bridgeport and I was so happy all over again. I'm not really sure why- because they aren't terribly good...they are just fun I suppose. And they remind me of those Dunker things from way back when...member with the Kangaroo & the frosting? Anyone? Anyone?!!!

I've been soooooo sick. Like pulling a muscle in my chest from coughing so much kinda sick. Like blowing my nose every single 2 seconds kinda sick. Like I can barely see straight kinda sick. So even though I tried to get out the weekend of the 4th (which was a 5 day weekend for me) I spent a lot of time in bed.

Bummer.

Ran into this picture of Drakie and I from way back when.

Kids grow fast.

I want to take every second in with the ones I love.

Orange scones from Summer Harms are real good for summer.

Real good.

The summer of Peonies for SURE.

We lost 2 hubcaps and had to go buy new ones.

These were the best we could find.

And you know it's sad if these were the best.

Because honestly.

Honestly.

Viper?

You've gotta be kidding me.

Hopefully we never lose hubcaps again, because I'd rather eat dirt than pay 40 more bucks for some!

Bye.

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T16:08:00.002-05:00

T & I spent a few hours this afternoon with our dear friends, the Hunter's. We met our newest little "nephew," Connor- and fell head over heels for him! Isn't that smile the greatest?! Man. Melt my heart. You can't tell in the picture of Christina holding Connor, but she's actually just a few weeks away from having her second son! Cannot wait to meet him in such a short time too!

Hope you're having a great 4th whatever you are doing! The sun is shining here so brightly, and I'll be spending the evening with our neighbors & friends from church....hopefully watching some beautiful fireworks & eating more summer food!

Lots of love,

Missing Moments

2011-06-29T21:42:00.013-05:00

There are moments where the miscarriage still feels so fresh to me, and moments where it feels like a closed door...never to be opened again.

Today I was cleaning out my inbox and slowly I came up to all the emails that surrounded the time of the miscarriage.
They caught me by surprise.
All the emails from friends, encouraging me.
All my, What to Expect, emails, telling me exactly what my body & baby were feeling.
My doctor's visit reminders.
They made me sick to my stomach.
I kept thinking about how differently things would be now...if the baby was still here.

I haven't been thinking about the miscarriage a lot lately, honestly. But it sneaks up on me.

The trip home was bittersweet.
I was so looking forward to being with our families while I was pregnant.
So it was hard.
And there were moments where I definitely cried.
Like when I went down to the ocean alone and watched the sunset.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that my baby would never splash in the waves with me.
That was a rough, rough moment for me.
My dad came and found me.
He held me in his strong arms and I wept.
I wonder if I will ever play in those waves with a son or daughter.

But since being back in Chicago, my mind has been occupied elsewhere.
And anytime the thoughts of that time crept in, I quickly pushed them away.
But sometimes they are just unavoidable.

Yesterday it was my boss, giving me more baby clothes, and baby accessories.
Today it was the emails.
Maybe tomorrow it will be something else.

There are just these missing moments.

Moments where I realize I am not a mother.
I was for a split second.
But now it's gone.

Moments where I remember the pain.
How hard it was not knowing.
How hard it was knowing.

Moments where I still have to wait to know if this desire will ever come true.
Waiting on a child is no easy task.
Especially in this season, and in this time of my life.

It's been less than a month...so I keep trying to remind myself it's still raw.
My body is still not back to normal.
So I am praying for that primarily.
Praying it will one day carry a child.
But until then...I know I have to keep trusting that God knows exactly what He's doing...and that it's what's best for me.
That, for some reason- is always what grounds me most.

Thoughts?

2011-06-29T08:33:00.002-05:00

Just waiting for some pretty knobs.

What do you guys think about me leaving it in the kitchen as the island?

I think I might be digging it.

It probably needs to be skoochied to the left a bit to be underneath the pot hanger?

Or maybe it's good off-centered?

I love white paint.

Epic

2011-06-27T16:07:00.002-05:00

Epic, I tell you.

17 days.

In My Heart, Always

2011-06-26T16:33:00.004-05:00

We've got stories to tell.
Pictures to show.
Memories to record.
But today, as always, my first day back is flooded with these faces.

These faces of the ones I call family.
Strange how growing up, I just took them all for granted.

As I age, I realize their value & how fragile their lives are.
That at any moment they could leave.

I was reminded so strongly of this as I looked into the face of my Aunt Liz. Every year that Taylor & I celebrate one more year of marriage, she remembers one more year that her husband is gone. My Uncle Greg died a few weeks before our wedding. He was hit by a drunk driver on his motorcycle while he was driving home from work. He had just talked with my Aunt Liz.

Just like that.

Life is over.

And she aches for him in a way that breaks my heart and leaves me breathless.

I don't think I've ever thought about life & death more than I have the last few months of my life.
I want to live well.
To live for God.
To meet Him and hear, "Well done, good & faithful servant."

My family, I miss you today.
My heart longs to be with you.
Thank you for a beautiful trip.
We will never forget it.

Swap-O-Rama

2011-06-11T14:24:00.002-05:00

So our landlady sells jewelry at a flea market here in the city (think Claire's jewelry). I'd never heard of this flea market, so you can just imagine my excitement over checking it out. Ginny asked me if I'd ever been to the Kane County Flea Market & I exclaimed, "Yes!"

She then replied, "It's nothing like that."

Alrighty then.

And boy was she right.

Swap-O-Rama is basically crap.

No furniture, just a bunch of junk.

But not the good kind of junk.

Just plain ole- junk.

Just as I was getting ready to leave (& feeling so bummed I didn't find anything out of the 800 vendors) I went back to Ginny's booth to say my good-bye. The woman across from her was super late & just opened up when I was showing up to say bye-bye.

And you guys.

I know I don't need any more dishes.

It is out of control how many I have.

Moving proved that to us.

We had boxes & boxes of fragile china.

But I just can't help myself....

Don't think it'll become a regular habit to go here.

It's on 41st & Ashland.

I think I was the only white person there.

Which I think is a blast.

But it would've been more of a blast if there was some stinking furniture there!

There this little baby was. Bonnie is the owner of the booth right across from Ginny's.

I like Bonnie.

I like her a lot.

Bonnie has lots of milk glass, lots of depression glass, and lots of things I love so much.

She even had a piece of a china that is a pattern I have been searching high & low for! The single bowl was $40.00! I asked her if she'd look back at her warehouse for the collection! She said she'd let me know. :)

This antique cake plate was marked for $30.00 but she gave it to me for $15.00 because I knew Ginny.

Oh man.

I was thankful for Ginny.

My mother-in-law has a ton of these dishes (is it a pattern called Hershey's mom?!) and this piece was marked for $35.00 but she gave it to me for $20.00. It's huge, no cracks, & SO beautiful.

Swap-O-Rama

You are interesting.

Maybe I'll be back for Bonnie.

I did promise her some of my carrot cake!

Little things

2011-06-08T19:15:00.016-05:00

It's ridiculous & a bit frightening that a picture of diet coke could make me as happy as it's making me right now.

We leave for California in almost 1 week.

My feet will only be on the homeland soil for 4 short days, but those 4 short days will be glorious.

Then we are driving back across the country, just T & I.

Should be fun.

Motel 6 & all.

It's 90+ degrees here these days with thick humidity and we can't have an air-conditioning unit due to the power issue here.

I woke up drenched last night & thought, "I cannot wait for winter."

Someone needs to slap me.

I'm quitting Lovies for good.

I feel 2 parts loser, and 1 part failure.
But it just didn't work out the way I thought it would.
Never had fun for one minute while doing it- so what's the point?!

One Thousand Gifts has been like a gift dropped right out of heaven for me these last few weeks.

I'll share more on it later, because I think you should probably read it too.

There are less than 40 days till the final Harry Potter movie.

I cannot believe it's almost over.

T has no idea how it ends.

Mwahaha.

We are broke as jokes and today I thought, "I hate money."

And then I realized I hate it because I love it.

So then I thought, "Crap."

I have decided Sense & Sensibility is my least favorite Austen novel.

I carry pepper spray with me now & learned last night at bible study that the house on the corner of our street is where the Latin Kings live. Oh. Friggin awesome.

Kiwis are in season.

They remind me of my dad & make me happy.

And I'm not even sure if my dad likes kiwis...they just remind me of him.

I need a haircut.
Like 6 months ago I need a haircut, kind of haircut.

I listen to Adele every.single.day.

Her music makes me dance.

And that is a rarity.

Little things, that you totally didn't need to know about, but now you do.

I love you, and you, and you, and you!

Goodbye, My Baby

2011-06-06T22:38:00.002-05:00

My dear little Baby,

Today you left. Completely.

And I was left not just with physical pains, but with emotional pains as well.

I know that God will heal both.

In time.

I will not be writing you any more letters, or holding my small belly- praying over you.

I will not be preparing your nursery, or dreaming up which name to grace you with.

I will not be thinking of you as I once did.

I will be saying, "so long," to you my dear.

At every turn I'm sure.

At every moment I remember you, I will have to remember also that you are no longer here.

I promise I will never forget you, first baby of mine.

I will never forget the joy I felt when I first learned of you.

Or the sorrow I felt when I learned you had left.

You were mine for so short a time, but I loved you so very much.

I wish with all my heart you had stayed with me.

But I know Someone so much wiser than I.

And if He called you Home, than Home you should go.

Lilacs will always remind me of you.

Their scent has filled my life the last month that we have waited to hear whether or not you were still with us.

They will remind me of both the joy & the sorrow.

Of the waiting & the lessons.

I miss you.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Goodbye, my little baby.

A DIY Story

2011-06-05T11:27:00.007-05:00

As much as I'd love to fill my home with expensive Anthropologie candles, it doesn't seem that my husband feels the same way. Weird, right? So while my mom was here we ventured out into the realm of cheaper candles. This little glade one smells delicious- but it's colors were beckoning me to welcome in Fall, while Summer is outside my window. So I put my best Whitney Newby cap on that I could muster & pulled out some pretties to hide the Fall orange.

Now if Whitney had done this, there would be no lace peeking through the ball fringe...but alas...Kirra Sue did it, and therefore it is a little bit quirky. But at least I have no more thoughts of pumpkin spice lattes, and orange & red leaves.

Together

2011-06-04T21:57:00.002-05:00

Last night Taylor met me at the door with a dozen pink roses. He walked me down the street to the rental car & drove me back into our old neighborhood. The neighborhood that has my heart. The neighborhood that is so familiar and comforting. He brought me to the restaurant of beauty. The restaurant I fell in love with 3 years ago. Il Mulino. Italian food. It always comforts my soul. He had a seat on the patio reserved. I've always wanted to eat outside there. And last night we did. He wrote me words that melted my heart & gave me a cookbook I've been wanting. He looked at me & I knew love.

I knew what it felt like to be a woman so in love with a man that she could hardly think straight.

I could never love him enough.

Or thank him enough for the love he's shown me.

But I'm so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life trying.

Four years.

Pretties

2011-05-28T20:11:00.006-05:00

Sometimes, when waiting enters in, so must beauty.

Even in it's most simplest forms.

A bowl of fresh cherries with my mother.

Comfort food to warm the soul.

Peonies brightening up our days.

I don't want to remember May as the month of sorrow, but a month of joy & trust.

A month where we celebrated the good, and accepted the bad.

A month full of laughter, and thanksgiving.

A month where we remembered the Lord's faithfulness to us.

I'm so thankful for my mom.
For my wonderful husband.
For all of your prayers & support.
That God is always teaching me more about Himself.

And I always want May to be the month marked by Peonies.

Tulips & Tears

2011-05-20T08:37:00.007-05:00

Dear Baby,

I've been writing you letters in a special journal since the first day I learned of you. I don't know how many more I'll get to write. These were the tulips your daddy bought me on my first Mother's Day. They were pink. My favorite color.

This morning I woke up at 6 am, unable to go back to sleep. It felt as though I had just had a horrible dream. Because faster than you came, you were gone.

I got out of bed and walked into the room that was to be yours. I looked out your window and remembered how just a week ago I stood in that same spot hoping you'd like the view one day. That the big tree outside with it's luscious leaves would make you smile. And I cried tears of pain.

Tears of pain over the fact that we may never know you & kiss you. That although you were wanted more than silver and gold, we may never see you. We may never get to hear your laugh, or see your smile. We may never get to teach you about Jesus, or grace. I cried tears for all the babies that have been killed by mother's who just didn't want them. And yet here we are, preparing to say good-bye to you, when we wanted you so bad.

Just one week till we see how you are. If you are here, or gone. For now I am tucking away all of the things that remind me of you. The beautiful maternity clothes that were given to me that I was so looking forward to wearing. The pregnancy books that I read day & night over the last 3 and a half weeks. The baby clothes we've received. The little Petter Rabbit book I bought you. It's all going away for now.

I know some would think it foolish to be so sad. To miss you so much. When you never had a heartbeat. When your little body was just forming. But I will miss the thought of what you would've become. I will miss wondering what your eyes would look like. If you'd be more like your daddy, or more like me. I will miss dreaming of baby socks at Christmastime and sharing you with all our loved ones.

No matter what happens, you will always be my first baby.
So I will love you forever.
To the moon and back.

Love,
Mommy

Currently...

2011-05-08T19:33:00.003-05:00

Completely & entirely covered in a sea of brown boxes.

Listening to Adele on Pandora.

Praying for grace to get T through his last week of his first year of seminary as well as our move this Saturday.

Also currently...

Missing our Momma's. 2,000 miles, you kinda suck on days like these.

Wishing that house elves were real & that they would come finish the packing & cleaning.

Looking forward to our trip home to California this June.

Wondering about all the things changing & how it'll all turn out.

Disliking Comcast.

Loving my husband so much.

Craving In-N-Out.

But that's nothing new.

Dreaming of my niece & what her little cheeks will look like.

Wanting a new camera.

Or lens.

Or actions.

Or all 3.

Happy Sunday,